From annoyance to serenity

SARALA UPADHYA shares her experience as a college professor to come up with a working model for how to manage annoyance both usefully and kindly. She has now reduced her “annoyance factor” making life more serene for herself and those around her.

Imagine you are happily walking on a road enjoying the morning warmth of the sun, soon after a light rain. But then you step in a puddle on the sidewalk and are annoyed at everything for the rest of the day! Or you become aware of the puddle just in time to side-step and walk on as before.

It is said that to be annoyed or to stay calm is an act of volition.

“Let’s start at the very beginning” is a cliché, and can be annoying. So can “Last but not the least…” followed by a long speech. We may get annoyed at things that sound trivial or even ridiculous, like the noise of nails scratching a wall, scraping a plate with a metal spoon. We may get annoyed if the internet is slow or the traffic holds us up during rush hour; loud conversations on mobile phones in public places, a messy home or workplace—the list is long.

A friend of mine does not like to see the corners of book pages folded to mark the place of a reader. Leaving used spoons and cups left on the kitchen counter and not in the kitchen sink annoys my sister. My brother looks the other way, heroically hiding his annoyance, if guests come walking into his living room with their outdoor footwear. It is interesting to note that these pet hates may be tolerated, but they pile up and form a “load” that often interferes with peace of mind.

Sometimes, situations touch a sensitive chord inside to bring forth annoyance to a greater degree; like blaring party music in the house next door or someone continuously honking on the road. The situation may become more serious when annoyance builds up as irritation or anger. It disrupts the harmony between family members at home or between colleagues at work.

Many years ago, while working as a teacher, I discovered my own “annoyance factor” was quite high. An untidy classroom—blackboards not wiped clean, dust on the furniture—were enough to trigger a chain of annoyances. I also observed that it had a cascading effect on my students. All this apparent chaos took a good 10 to 15 minutes to settle down, taking away precious energy and efficiency all around. Most importantly, it took away a certain connection, calmness, and focus before work began.

What do you do when you are on the brink of annoyance that is likely to upset your peace? One easy way out is to succumb to the situation and react impulsively. Or you may try to ignore it and step aside. You may also evaluate the situation, with a little kindness and consideration, by taking a moment to understand the reason for getting annoyed.

You may also evaluate the situation, 
with a little kindness and consideration, 
by taking a moment to understand 
the reason for getting annoyed.

This reminds me of a story of the Buddha and Angulimala, a notorious robber. Angulimala was one of the fiercest robbers of those times. He would rob travelers then take pleasure in cutting off their thumbs so he could wear them on his necklace as a prize. He had heard of the Buddha, and was waiting to meet the kind-hearted one to challenge him into submission.

When the Buddha was passing through a forest, Angulimala gleefully pounced on him with his unkind words, mocking him and threatening him at every step. The Buddha ignored him and took no offence. He gently brushed the insults away. Eventually his stoic and compassionate nature had the effect of melting the hard heart of the thief. To be treated with love by the humane Buddha was a turning point in the life of Angulimala, who was accepted as the Buddha’s disciple and renamed Ananda, which symbolizes a blissful state.

The story of the Buddha and Ananda gives us a positive direction on how we can work best in annoying situations:

First, figure out the reason for the annoyance. In our mundane lives, it may be an experience or its impression that is already working on the mind. Step back or take a pause before reacting to become fully aware of the cause of annoyance.

Focusing on the reason and acknowledging its origin is the second step. Annoyance may originate from within, or it may be due to an external cause.

The third step is to accept the cause. With acceptance comes a kind of “ownership” of the situation and an eagerness to resolve the situation, because staying annoyed for a long time is not pleasant.

Then it becomes easier to follow with the final step of suitable action to mitigate the annoyance.

Going back to my own classroom story, I went through many iterations of these steps—finding out the reasons for my annoyance, acknowledging and accepting the consequences of being annoyed. At first, there was a kind of self-defense mechanism that opposed owning up to the position and accepting changes. I had just begun the Heartfulness practices at that time. I took a pause, and took a deep breath as often as possible to understand myself. The complete practice of Heartfulness helped me to sort out what was useful for me and what were the common annoyances that could be discarded, albeit with effort. I learned to surrender those aspects that were overwhelming to the Higher One.

So, my annoyance factor has come down to a workable level. I also understand now that some degree of annoyance is required for making progress in this world. But it works better if we work with kindness and compassion so that everyone is taken together in this endeavor.

The complete practice of Heartfulness
helped me to sort out what was useful for me and 
what were the common annoyances 
that could be discarded, albeit with effort.

Illustrations by ANANYA PATEL