Nonviolent Communication, now also known as Compassionate Communication and Needs-based Relating, was developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, who firmly believed that people enjoy contributing to one another’s well-being more than anything else. Through an emphasis on deep listening, NVC helps us to learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others, and discover the depth of our compassion. It brings an awareness that all of us are trying to honor universal values and needs, every minute, every day.
Needs Consciousness is one of the core pillars of NVC, where Dr. Rosenberg suggests “all human actions are an attempt to meet needs.” Things like respect, acceptance, security, contributing to others, belonging, learning, relaxation, harmony, and many more – we all share. Here, VANESSA PATEL and her daughters AMRUTA and ANANYA explore needs, including what they are, and how we experience them in everyday life.
Vanessa: The word “need” sometimes has different meanings. For example, “needs” can be interpreted as being needy. So how can we better understand needs in the NVC context? And perhaps we can look at other words we can use instead of “needs.”
Ananya: Needs are also our values, the fundamental human motivators, our longings, yearnings, aspirations. They can be seen as energies that bring nourishment and add value to our lives. They are motivators that drive what we do and what we say. It is important to understand that needs are universal, and they’re experienced by every human being, though we may experience different needs at different times and with varied intensity. Very importantly, needs are always expressed positively because they’re life-nourishing. There is no such thing as a negative need.
Amruta: Since needs are universal and experienced by everyone, they give us an opportunity to connect and empathize with the experiences of others. All our actions are an attempt to meet our needs, and this consciousness can help us look beyond what someone says or does, to connect with why they may be doing that, or what might be motivating them to say something in particular.
Vanessa: Needs also lead to feelings: our feelings arise directly from our needs. When our needs are met, we experience so-called positive feelings; and when they’re not met we experience feelings that we don’t enjoy.
Ananya: I experienced this recently. A couple of weeks ago, we were supposed to take a flight from Ahmedabad to Varanasi, but because of bad weather the flight was cancelled. On the same day Amruta was leaving for the UK, and she was still at home in Baroda.
Our feelings arise
directly from our needs.
When our needs are met, we experience positive feelings,
and when they’re not met
we experience feelings we don’t enjoy.
We were quite stressed and harried, as we didn’t really have any clarity on the situation. We wanted to get to Varanasi as soon as possible, so we also wanted efficiency. It was hard to pinpoint those needs at that moment, but we knew we wanted to support our team members in Varanasi, and we wanted some ease and clarity on how to overcome the situation. Amruta was at home hearing all this from us.
Amruta: I was feeling sad because you had left. I was missing our companionship. At the same time, I was also feeling excited for you, because you were going to have a good time in Varanasi, and a lot of planning went into it. That met my need for your well-being and shared joy.
When you told me about the alternatives –staying in Ahmedabad to take a later flight, or coming back to Baroda and traveling back to the airport with me again a few hours later–I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to influence your decision. Obviously, I would have liked you to come back, but you had to decide how best to meet your needs for efficiency and clarity. I think somewhere in there you also had a need for ease, and so you came back home.
Vanessa: We saw the biggest smile on your face when we returned home that evening, and it dissipated the frustration and fatigue we felt thinking about doing the journey all over again later the same day. So, it was a textbook situation: although we were able to empathize with ourselves and feel okay about being a little helpless, we were also very happy to have company.
Ananya: The same situation was seen from two perspectives. Because our needs were different, and of varied intensity, our responses to the situation reflected that; yet, because we wanted similar things for each other and for ourselves, we were easily able to connect with each other, even though we were focused on different things.
Vanessa: We were very happy to be with each other and gain support for the situation. But I’m sure there are other times when you say, “Okay, I need some space.” Are there occasions when you feel, “I could be enjoying something else rather than being with family”?
Ananya: In the routine of our daily lives, the needs we face don’t really jump out at us, or we don’t acknowledge their presence. For example, as I am living at home with family, my need for nurturing and support is regularly met. It’s an important need for me, which is met on such a regular basis that when my friends want to meet up, or there’s an opportunity to do something with other people, I often choose to go. I don’t take it for granted that my family is always there, but it’s a need that is met so regularly that other needs become more alive when new situations come up.
Vanessa: How, how does that resonate with you, Amruta?
Amruta: I like that you said “other needs become more alive” because certain needs are met quite regularly. For me, my need for space and autonomy is met on a daily basis, as I live on my own away from family. So, when I come here, I feel a strong need for connection. It comes alive more intensely at certain intervals, and becomes an overarching need for me at that time, and perhaps not as intense for everyone else.
Ananya: What I’m sensing is that there are different layers of needs that we experience at any given time. And some needs are more alive in us and are looking to be met more immediately than others. We prioritize our needs, but that doesn’t mean our other needs are not important, or that we’re not looking for them to be met.
Vanessa: Sometimes, in a recurring situation, there’s predictability in having our needs met. There is comfort and more confidence in a situation where you know your needs will be fulfilled. As Ananya was saying, she knows she can bank on family time every day. The connection is there when she needs it. While you, Amruta, are here for a limited time and you want to maximize the connection. Even if it’s not doing anything specific, togetherness is more important than casual socializing, right?
Amruta: Yes, exactly. When I come home, it’s also meeting my need for rest and relaxation, which I don’t get when all these other things are happening. I think it’s partly because for the longest time, especially since I went to boarding school, coming home is associated with holidays, and holidays are associated with switching off and meeting the need for complete rest and relaxation with no other demands on my time. Maybe that’s why I want to do nothing when I come home.
When I come home, it’s
also meeting my need for rest and relaxation,
which I don’t get when all other things are happening.
Vanessa: Were there some experiences you had at boarding school that you can look at now with a new perspective, with this understanding of needs and how they evolve?
Amruta: Yes. The school we went to had boarders and day scholars, and we spent our out-of-school time very differently. On weekends, day scholars might go to a birthday party, a get-together, or a sleepover with other non-boarders. I remember really wanting to go, which I now recognize as a need for belonging, acceptance, and social validation by my peers. To go, we had to be signed out by an adult, but you weren’t keen for us to attend these parties. At that age, my thoughts were so judgmental, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be with my friends.
Vanessa: It’s not that I didn’t empathize. I understood your need to have fun in everyday situations, to have these experiences. At the same time, my need for your safety and well-being was an overarching need that gave me peace of mind. It was in some way a coping mechanism for me to say, “No, I prefer not to sign my child out for this.”
Amruta: Nowadays I get your need for our safety and well-being, and your peace of mind, because you were far away in a different city; you weren’t comfortable with us staying over with people you didn’t know. We were kids, but I was thinking, “I’m not a child, I can handle myself,” and I hadn’t really experienced the need for safety.
In order to understand someone else’s need, I think you really have to have experienced it at some level. I have a better understanding of it now that I’m older and have experienced the need for the safety and well-being of others. And it was probably also a factor of age and life experience as well.
Ananya, you also had a similar experience with school, what do you think?
Ananya: As we grow up, we sometimes forget how it felt to be in a particular situation. But they were very real needs for us, and we felt them intensely. At the time, it felt frustrating and unfair, and I felt helpless. Even as adults, many of us don’t have the tools or capacity to understand and process that “this need is not being met,” or what it means to mourn an unmet need. So, what can we do about it? How can we avoid transforming it into resentment or bitterness, where it feels like we are losing something important, which creates a heaviness that we don’t want to feel?
In order to understand
someone else’s need,
I think you really have
to have experienced it at some level.
I have a better understanding
of it now that I’m older
and have experienced the need for the
safety and well-being of others.
For me, it’s helpful to talk about it, or break it down to process it, and with “Needs Consciousness,” we have a vocabulary that can help us do this better. Also, we have grown up enough to understand what it means to give space to someone else’s needs first. Perhaps our needs aren’t always going to be met fully.
Vanessa: In that case, how do you handle a situation where you have conflicting needs, and somehow you come to the understanding that it’s more important that the other person’s needs are met? How do you do that so that it doesn’t feel like you are giving up what’s important to you?
Ananya: When somebody else is looking out for their own needs to be met, I’m aware that they are needs I might have had at some point. I understand those needs, because I wanted them too at another time, and empathy and understanding from another person would have helped me then. But it’s not always easy to respond this way, even with the consciousness and understanding I have.
In fact, because I am conscious of this, it is difficult to navigate this space – to reconcile the real discomfort of conflict with the openness and acceptance I know it takes to move ahead. It is not always a conclusion that is easy to reach, but it’s somewhat easier because the need for the other person’s peace of mind and well-being is important to me too. Hopefully I’m able to open my heart and stay with my intention to connect with the other and what matters to them.
Amruta: Now we’re older, and we’re able to express our needs, it’s more enabling. I think it is much more difficult in situations where needs are not being met and there’s no change in sight. As we grow, as we mature, there are needs that become less salient just because our circumstances change. Even biologically, we empathize better with people because our brains grow, the prefrontal cortex develops in a way that enables us to think about other people. We start realizing that we don’t exist in a vacuum, and we can engage with other people’s needs without seeing it as giving up something of ourselves and not getting anything back.
Even still, it’s easier to apply to certain situations than others. Say you have a situation where someone wasn’t meeting your needs, you might either let it go or decide that those needs are being met by other people in your life. There is a certain level of acceptance that comes with growing up that makes it easier.
What does it mean to
mourn an unmet need?
How can we avoid transforming
it into resentment or bitterness?
Ananya: Regarding what you’ve just said, I am trying to be more aware of pushing away my needs in pursuit of this acceptance. We are all conditioned to respond with, “You should be looking after someone else’s needs, and your needs come second.” But I have realized that it’s important to give space to my needs, whether they are being met or not. It means being in connection with myself, and creating an internal space where those needs are respected, if not met. I think it’s an important step before the development of acceptance, and I find I am able to move forward with more peace and less heaviness.
Vanessa: Well, here’s the challenge: we understand that needs are universal and all human beings share them. So why do we often end up at odds? Where does the difficulty lie?
We may understand the principle of needs – that there is an underlying value or motivator that drives us to do the things we do – and that they are shared by each of us on some level. So, it creates an opportunity for connection, empathy and common ground. And it is this deep connectedness that lays the foundation for compassion. But the reality of living with the awareness of needs in our everyday routines can be a bit more complex. First, it only works if we are willing to connect with others on the level of needs, to look beyond whatever surface conflicts arise, and step into the world of the other. If that intention is not there, it is very difficult to take the next step.
Our priorities or
methods may be different, but in the end,
cooperation offers the best chance for success.
Say I want to rest or relax, and I choose to do that by quietly reading a book. You may also want to relax, and choose to do that by chatting with me about your day. Our need is the same, but your way of meeting it is at odds with mine. That is where the potential for conflict emerges – in the strategies we use to meet our needs, not the needs themselves. We don’t always agree on how goals can be reached. Our priorities or methods may be different, but in the end, cooperation offers the best chance for success.
Illustrations by ANANYA PATEL
Vanessa Patel, Amruta Patel & Ananya Patel
Vanessa Patel: Vanessa is a Heartfulness practitioner, a Heartful Communication facilitator, and an editor of Heartfulness Magazine. She lives in Baroda, India, where she has worked with schools and educators to bring ... Read More
Ananya Patel
Ananya is a designer and illustrator who enjoys finding dynamic ways to tell stories. She works on projects with social impact, and runs a youth collective bringing innovative design approaches to climate action and gender equality.
