Leslie is a Heartfulness practitioner and trainer living in the US. A retired editor, she knows that words—as hard as she may try to find the right ones—are inadequate to express our most treasured experiences and connections. But she keeps trying!

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Leslie Blair

&nbsp;<hr>&nbsp;Take the love in the touch, it doesn’t matter very much if the hand is perfect or the skin is rough.Take the laugh in the cough and the drenching of the rain, there is humor in our troubles and it serves to keep us sane.Take the rest in the night, leave your worries in your shoes. In the morning shake them out and don’t listen to the news.Take time with a neighbor, she’ll have news enough to share. You can ruminate together and find contentment there.Take the lesson from the error, without carrying the past. Keep the best it had to give you, nothing more was meant to last.Take heart: When everything you tried seemed not to be enough, your part was matched and multiplied if love was in the touch.<hr>&nbsp;<hr>&nbsp;<h4 style="text-align:center;">Poem by LESLIE BLAIR</h4>&nbsp;<hr>

Take heart

<h4 style="text-align:justify;">LESLIE BLAIR shares the profound nature of a dream, which she almost missed. How often do we receive these gifts without realizing it?</h4>The dream caught me napping on a sad Sunday afternoon, the kind of dream you can count on one hand even after seven decades of dreaming, the kind that maybe wasn’t a dream after all, but a visitation.I almost missed it—a choir of voices, celestial music already receding, my consciousness hurtling through space, away, back from the dream and the voices—my mind trying desperately to slow the return and capture the unspeakably beautiful melodies and harmonies.In the instant that was left, I realized the music would be lost. But there were words! I hadn’t noticed them before, and I caught the last ones I could hear.Coming back to wakefulness, I hurriedly reached for pen and paper and wrote them down: “Let thy soul be couched in merest gladness.”Not being accustomed to this kind of language, my rough interpretation went something like this: “Let your soul be hidden in the least bit of gladness.”In no way did this match the exquisite beauty of the music I had heard. Feeling terribly disappointed, I went to the dictionary in hopes of finding something better. It did not disappoint.These are the definitions I found: Couch—to express, to reveal. Mere—pure, unmixed.The celestial code was cracked. The message read: “Let your soul express itself in pure, unmixed gladness.”A message from a heavenly realm brought down to earth by an everyday dictionary. Who can say where help will come from?&nbsp;

Dream choir

<h4 style="text-align:justify;">LESLIE BLAIR went from seeing death as a tragic endpoint to valuing the ongoing relationship with a loved one and the ongoing journey of the soul. She shares that journey with us here.</h4>&nbsp;For a long time after my mother passed away, I continued to struggle with difficult emotions surrounding her loss. I wrote to my spiritual teacher, Chariji, whose reply gave me a path forward at what seemed like a dead end. He wrote, in part: “Now you must pray for the peace of her soul. In this will be your true service to her.”I was struck by the thought that I could actually be of service to someone dear who was no longer alive on this Earth. I had no idea how to pray for the peace of a soul, but Chariji had given me a task—both challenging and promising—something useful and positive to focus on and incorporate in my daily meditation practice. It was the start of a journey in prayer that would, over time, come to include the remembrance of other loved ones.At some point along the way, my feelings of bereavement and bewilderment began to take the shape of a song. Searching for the right words became a seemingly endless process, one that defied completion, but it has yielded a growing assurance that love is stronger than death, and that our connection with those who have moved on continues to grow—no doubt in a different way and perhaps in a different realm, one that awaits us with open arms.The song was written in the first person, but I’ve always wanted it to ring true for others as well. May it resonate with your own songs of comfort, connection, and healing.&nbsp;<figure class="image image_resized" style="width:75%;"><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/here_hereafter2_4d6b235d1a.webp" alt="here-hereafter2.webp" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_here_hereafter2_4d6b235d1a.webp 145w,https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/large_here_hereafter2_4d6b235d1a.webp 801w,https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/here_hereafter2_4d6b235d1a.webp 801w," sizes="100vw"></figure>&nbsp;<h3 style="text-align:center;">Wherever We Are</h3>I will reach for you, I’ll remember you,&nbsp; and I know I’ll find your touch everywhere. There’s a part of you in everything I do,&nbsp; but the smile I knew no longer waits there.They say there’s a road to where you are—&nbsp; it’s not on the map, but it can’t be too far. If you’ve gone to stay, there must be a way to where you are.In a hidden world, hard to see or touch, another life is calling you home. So I send a prayer to see you safely there&nbsp; as your soul returns to its own.They say there’s a guide where you are,&nbsp; to show you the way like your own shining star. There must be a friend, true to the end, where you are.We reach for a hand, gentle and strong, to comfort and mend us and shepherd us along&nbsp; a well-traveled path crossing the night, where storms of the heart make way for redeeming light.When a sudden shower washes the earth and sky&nbsp; and a brighter world shimmers through, heaven reaches down, hovering all around, and I know its promise is true:&nbsp;Love is the way to where you are— &nbsp; it comes like the rainbow, spanning far, out of thin air, connecting us, wherever we are.A shower of light, a rainbow of tears,&nbsp; will shine through the night to quiet our fears. The love that we share embraces us&nbsp; wherever we are.Our love is a prayer, blessing us&nbsp; wherever we are.&nbsp;

From here to the hereafter

Leslie Lyons

<hr class="vertical-space1">
As I watch my daughters 
navigate an imperfect world, 
a world that is cruel and 
at times crushing, 
I see them searching for the light 
as a way of being.
They are advocates for their own souls.
What better way to be is there in all the universe? 
They are oriented toward success and service 
as creators, 
as spirits of possibility and 
as stewards of compassion. 
I am paying so much attention to them. 
What I can witness and appreciate 
is more powerful than what I can teach them now. 
But I still want to share what I have learned and 
collected here. Yes, it is a sharing, not a teaching as 
I feel that I am still so early on this journey. I am still learning.
A spiritual life is critical to balance and grow in this life. 
This is both intuitive and scientifically true, I have learned. 
We are energy, we are vibration. 
There is a hum in the universe that we can meet, 
that we can match and align ourselves with and be whole.
How absolutely blissful is that? 
The most ancient language we have on Earth – 
Sanskrit – even has a phrase for this. It is 
SAT CHIT ANANDA, the place of blissful truth. 
Truth bliss.
Let us be there together.
Love, 
Mama
<hr class="vertical-space1">
<hr>
<h4 style="text-align: center;">Poem by LESLIE LYONS</h4>
<hr>

Poem for my daughters

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Lia Hills

Stories

Liaa is a sophomore at the University of Texas, majoring in Economics and Computer Science. She enjoys running, reading, and baking. She’s passionate about making mental health resources more accessible, has created two mental wellness apps, and has conducted research to explore the ways in which technology can help make the mental health journey more accessible and personal for all. 

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Liaa Kumar

<h4
 class="block-heading"
 id="h-liaa-kumar-lost-her-mother-to-cancer-when-she-was-a-teenager-now-she-s-helping-others-by-volunteering-at-kesem-an-organization-that-helps-children-of-cancer-patients-to-develop-resilience-confidence-and-lasting-feelings-of-joy-and-hope-her-story-of-grief-and-hope-will-touch-your-heart"
 >
 LIAA KUMAR
 lost her mother to cancer when she was a teenager. Now she’s helping
 others by volunteering at Kesem, an organization that helps children
 of cancer patients to develop resilience, confidence, and lasting
 feelings of joy and hope. Her story of grief and hope will touch your
 heart.
 </h4>

 <hr class="vertical-space1" />

 
 Life stopped being normal two weeks before my eighth grade graduation,
 when my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer. At 13, I didn’t know
 much about cancer, and I didn’t know how to understand the heaviness
 with which the adults around me whispered, “Stage four.” My mother began
 chemo that summer and decided to undergo treatment overseas, in India,
 with the support of family. I went with her.
 

 
 As a kid, you take the idea of having a parent for granted. It’s a given
 that your parents will stick around, that they’ll always be strong,
 always be ready to take care of you. And even as I began to understand
 the gravity of my mom’s diagnosis, I believed more than anything that
 this was temporary. I knew my mom, she was indescribably strong, she was
 my rock, so of course she would be okay. She would be okay because I
 needed her to be okay. That’s what moms do. They look out for their
 kids. Always.
 

 
 That summer I spent a lot of time in small cold rooms, trying to
 understand the ways in which my mom was changing. No one warns you about
 how much cancer takes from the people you love. Her body withered, and
 chemo left dark streaks on her skin that ran up and down her arms and
 legs. She felt nauseous most of the time, and making sure she was eating
 enough became an everyday worry.
 

 
 I supported her body as we inched our way up and down the handful of
 stairs outside the hospital. Sitting across the floor from your mom, a
 row of orange pill bottles lined up between you, begging and bargaining
 for every pill or protein supplement that had to be taken, turns your
 world upside down.
 

 
 My mother and I became closer. In between the stress and sadness we
 watched movies, played card games, practiced tying her head scarf in
 different ways around her newly bald head, and talked. We did a lot of
 talking. Mostly we talked about what we’d like to do once this whole
 nightmare was over. Fly to Europe, visit a monastery in the Himalayas,
 finally go to the beach again. It was difficult to say goodbye at the
 end of the summer. It was difficult to leave her behind and face the
 idea of beginning high school without my mom, but even as I said
 goodbye, I knew it would only be a matter of time before she came back
 and everything would be normal again.
 

 
 Without my mom at home, I had to learn a lot of things on the fly.
 Suddenly, there was no one at home to wake me up in the morning, remind
 me to clean my room, do my laundry, or make my lunch. I learned how to
 grocery shop and the basics of housekeeping, and I missed my mom very
 much. The responsible parts of growing up aren’t much fun, especially
 when they’re all crammed into the span of a few months, and especially
 when it feels like the people around you don’t really understand what
 you’re going through.
 

 <hr class="vertical-space1" />

 <hr />

 <h4 class="has-text-align-center block-heading">
 The responsible parts of growing up aren’t much fun, especially when they’re all crammed into the span of a few months, and especially when it feels like the people around you don’t really understand what you’re going through.
 </h4>

 <hr />

 <hr class="vertical-space1" />

 
 I spoke to my mom a few times a week, on the rare occasions she wasn’t
 in chemo or exhausted from chemo. I felt like she was slipping away even
 through the phone, and I’d hold it closer to my ear as if that’d bring
 her back. The good news that kept me going was that she was doing
 better. A miraculous feat for someone who had been diagnosed so late. I
 knew it was temporary, she was going to get better, and she was getting
 better. Until she wasn’t.
 

 
 My mom passed away near the end of my freshman year, and it felt like an
 unsatisfactory end to a draining emotional affair. Grief is its own
 monster, but so is the entire process of losing a loved one to cancer.
 Most kids don’t spend their adolescence worrying about hospital bills,
 doctors’ appointments, or a parent’s white blood cell count. It can be a
 very isolating experience.
 

 
 Most people can understand loss, but not everyone understands what
 cancer feels like. So, at Kesem we remind the kids that they still
 deserve to be kids. We remind them they’re not in this alone.
 

 <hr class="vertical-space1" />

 <hr />

 <h4 class="has-text-align-center block-heading">
 At Kesem we remind the kids that they still deserve to be kids. We remind them they’re not in this alone.
 </h4>

 <hr />

 <hr class="vertical-space1" />

 
 I am so incredibly grateful that I’ve found this organization and these
 people, that I have the opportunity to help these strong, wonderful,
 amazing kids. And I am so incredibly excited that you may decide to join
 us. We’re gonna do great things this year! I can’t wait.

When a parent has cancer

Dr. Lilla Watson (born 1940) is a Murri (Indigenous Australian) visual artist, activist and academic working in the field of Women's issues and Indigenous epistemology. Watson was the inaugural president of the Aboriginal and Islander Child Care Agency, a founding member of the Brisbane Indigenous Media Association, and a member of the Aboriginal and Islander Independent School Board in the late 1980s. She has been a consultant and a member of working groups, panels and selection committees for many Government and non-Government bodies.

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Lilla Watson

Let us work together

Mary Jean "Lily" Tomlin is an American actress, comedian, writer, singer, and producer. Tomlin started her career in stand-up comedy and sketch comedy before acting onstage and on-screen. She has received seven Emmy Awards, a Grammy Award, two Tony Awards, the Kennedy Center Honor in 2014, and the Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award in 2017.

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Lily Tomlin

Try slowing down

Lisa lives in South Africa and is a writer, New Insights life coach, and currently training to become a recovery coach through the Foundation Clinic. Lisa is passionate about empowering people, conscious awareness and being a flame of love. Her life experience has taught her about the importance of change in one’s life and to always learn, unlearn and relearn.

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Lisa Ann Catano

<h4>LISA ANN CATANO shares some of the research findings in epigenetics that show us that our genes are affected by our beliefs and thinking more than we realise.</h4><hr>Dr Bruce Lipton, a cellular biologist who was at the University of Wisconsin cloning human muscle cells, is best known for challenging the existing belief that the human body is controlled by genes. In his video, The Biology of Perception, he demonstrates to the audience that perception affects biology.He found the following:In one of his experiments a stem cell was isolated and put into a petri dish (a cell-culture dish) where it divided every ten hours. The cells were then split up into three groups and placed into separate petri dishes. In each of the three dishes the growth medium in which the cells lived was different. In the first dish the cells formed bone, in the second dish they formed muscle, and in the third dish they formed fat cells. All of the cells were genetically identical when they were first separated, yet each dish produced different results.<hr>Dr Lipton’s research is life changing for&nbsp;all of us, because his research enunciates that we have the power to choose our destiny at any given point. From victims we can become masters of our lives as we can determine how we respond to the environment.<hr>Why was this so? Since the genes were all identical the differences were because of the environment in which they were placed. The environment was the stimulus to which the cells responded. Genes respond to their environment. It is the genes’ perception of their environment that causes them to behave in a certain way.We have been taught that our genes determine our lives – our behavior, emotions, character, health and biology. We have been educated to believe that we do not have any control over our lives. We have been told that our genes are inherited from our family and we are a victim to this heredity: if there is cancer in your family you are vulnerable to that illness; if your father or mother were prone to addiction, you will to some extent be the same, or feel entitled to justify similar behavior. This brings about a feeling of powerlessness, that your life is destined to be a certain way because of your genes. So a kind of apathy takes over, a ‘Why should I try?’ attitude.Dr Lipton’s research is life changing for all of us, because his research enunciates that we have the power to choose our destiny at any given point. From victims we can become masters of our lives as we can determine how we respond to the environment. Of course the genetic patterns are there, but they are not as fixed as we once believed.<hr>Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. – Viktor E. Frankl<hr>You were born into the world without any beliefs and since you learned to believe certain things by your parents, education and social systems; you have the ability to unlearn them and try new ones. As you change your thinking, you change your mind and biology, which culminates in an evolved reality.In addition to the new understanding that perception influences behavior, Dr Lipton goes even deeper by saying that perception not only influences genes, but it also rewrites them! Like any living being the cell is a conscious organism. By virtue of its state of consciousness the cells perception of the environment is what controls the gene. In his study, Dr Lipton provides proof of how a belief actually switches on a gene.To demonstrate the power of belief, let’s take the example of our beloved insect, the bumble bee. Aerodynamically the bumble bee is not really designed to fly. This is apparent in observing its rounded hairy body that is much larger than the little wings that struggle to carry it. Now imagine that someone repeatedly told the bumble bee at a young that she was not designed for flight; do you suppose she would be flying today? Of course not and yet the bumble bee flies nonetheless, even if a bit clumsily at times. Belief is powerful and at times can often override the most logical reasoning.<hr>When the mind&nbsp;is peaceful, we&nbsp;are free from worries and mental discomfort, and we begin to experience true happiness. In this state of grace and Godliness, healing can be restored.<hr><h4>A Medical Example</h4>Carl G. Jung in his autobiography, Memories, Dreams, Reflections, describes a patient sent by an American colleague with the accompanying diagnosis, “Alcoholic neurasthenia: incurable.” Jung discovered that the patient was struggling to hold onto his manhood in a tyrannical relationship with his mother. According to Jung she was a “power devil”. She owned a large firm where the son worked and was very unhappy. Due to her power games he chose to drink as a way of self- medicating. He did not have the adequate self-belief or strength of character to stand up to her, or resign from the comfort of the wealthy family business.Jung took the initiative, behind his back, to give his mother a medical certificate stating his inability to carry out his work-related responsibilities due to his alcoholism, and recommended his redundancy. Although the man was furious with Jung (albeit an unethical move for a medical practitioner), he went on to create a life in which he thrived. He built a successful career, among other things, and his wife was extremely grateful to Jung for his instinctive approach to what seemed like a hopeless case. The man gave up drinking and his character developed and strengthened handsomely.This is a fine example of a man who generated a wholesome life and personality by changing the constituents of his environment. By removing himself from a negative situation that did no service to his character, he was able to create a new life.<h4>Remedy</h4>Meditation and visualisation are strong repertoires for holistic health and vitality. Studies illustrate that meditation can diminish all kinds of physical diseases and psychological disorders. The immune system, blood pressure, pain response, stress hormone levels and even cellular health can all be improved. Psychologically, meditation reduces depression and anxiety disorders, ADHD, bipolar disorder, addiction and eating disorders among others.Meditation actually makes structural changes to the brain and reprograms the DNA. The way neurons communicate with each other can change and thus create new circuits. Some brain regions become denser than others and others become less dense. Neurogenesis and neuroplasticity improve, including memory, critical thinking and overall cognitive functionality.Meditation alters perception and the mind. It is a method for acquainting our minds with virtue. The more familiar our mind is with virtue, the calmer and more peaceful it becomes. When the mind is peaceful, we are free from worries and mental discomfort, and we begin to experience true happiness. In this state of grace and Godliness, healing can be restored. Thus, the practice of meditation confirms the outcome of Dr Lipton’s experiments, which state that perception influences genes and can also rewrite them.SOURCESThe Biology of Perception, Dr Bruce Lipton. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnmaiWWZ3fc" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnmaiWWZ3fc</a>Kymatica, Ben Stewart. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dfc7nXNPVz4Memories, Dreams, Reflections, C.G. Jung &amp; Aniella Jaffe, 1963, Pantheon Books.Meditation Health Benefits: What The Practice Does To Your Body, Meredith Melnick.https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/30/meditation-health-benefits_n_3178731.htmlThe New Meditation Handbook, Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, 2013, Tharpa Publications.Psychology, John W. Santrock, 7th edition, 2003, Chapter 6: ‘States of Consciousness’, McGraw-Hill College.<hr>Article by LISA ANN CATANO<hr>

Do Our Genes Define Us?

default

Lisa Feldman Barrett

Emotions

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Lisa Leslie

My mother

Lisa is the Executive Director at Returning to Spirit, and a member of the delegation of indigenous leaders who met the Pope to invite him to Canada to apologize for the harms inflicted on generations of indigenous families. She is from Hollow Water First Nation, Manitoba.

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Lisa Raven

<h4
 class="block-heading"
 id="h-lisa-raven-is-the-executive-director-of-returning-to-spirit-and-a-member-of-the-delegation-of-indigenous-leaders-who-met-the-pope-to-invite-him-to-canada-to-apologize-for-the-harms-inflicted-on-generations-of-indigenous-families-here-she-shares-what-reconciliation-means-to-her-her-organization-delivers-two-four-day-sequential-and-experiential-workshops-on-reconciliation-you-can-find-out-more-at-https-www-returningtospirit-org"
 >
 LISA RAVEN
 is the Executive Director of Returning to Spirit, and a member of the
 delegation of indigenous leaders who met the Pope to invite him to
 Canada to apologize for the harms inflicted on generations of
 indigenous families. Here, she shares what reconciliation means to
 her. Her organization delivers two, four-day sequential and
 experiential workshops on reconciliation. You can find out more at
 <a href="https://www.returningtospirit.org/"
 >https://www.returningtospirit.org/</a
 >
 </h4>

 <hr class="vertical-space1" />

 
 The truth and reconciliation process involves resolving conflict from
 the past, often between governments, non-state bodies, and groups of
 people. The process1 aims at healing the relationship between
 the opposing sides through uncovering facts, allowing for
 acknowledgment, mourning, and forgiveness – all toward the final goal of
 healing.
 

 
 Reconciliation means being at peace – our ability to be at peace for
 longer periods of time. Therefore, reconciliation has everything to do
 with each of us as individuals, as opposed to the “other.” For a lot of
 people, that’s a difficult concept to grasp.
 

 
 Some people in Canada believe that Indigenous people should “get over it
 already,” however, reconciliation is not a journey with a destination.
 It is a series of moments and building relationships along the way,
 which are highlighted by peace, understanding, and mutuality.
 

 
 For Indigenous people in Canada, reconciliation is in the language, and
 is a spiritual journey. There are no words for hate and resentment.
 There are words that describe those feelings, but there is also an
 understanding that if we hold those feelings we are actually harming
 ourselves. We are only meant to hold those feelings temporarily, because
 the translation of those words helps us understand that “as I hold this,
 I’m hurting myself, so I’m only holding it for a little while.”
 

 
 “Knowing” or holding hurt and suffering from the past is described as
 “already knowing.” It’s that little voice in your head that tells you
 the way things are, and the way people are – an “already knowing.” It’s
 like putting glasses on so we only see through that lens of judgment. It
 is like a boomerang that goes behind our backs, but then as soon as
 something happens, the feelings are re-triggered. For example, a couple
 of years ago, the discovery of children’s graves at the Kamloops Indian
 Residential School brought all that stuff forward and created a
 nationwide reaction.
 

 
 People are confused about what acceptance really means. I think we are
 stuck with the idea that acceptance means having to accept all that
 happened; but that’s not the case. We can’t change the past – it
 happened the way it happened. We can change our reaction to it, and how
 it lives in us today. I can remain the victim of another person forever,
 or forgiveness and letting go can help me take back my power.
 The other person could go to jail, but that does not heal my trauma.
 Forgiveness does. Forgiveness is not for the weak; it’s for the strong.
 For Indigenous people, it is a part of who we are. The word for
 forgiveness in our language is so vast. It’s an experience and a gift
 you give yourself. It has nothing to do with the other person.
 

 <hr class="vertical-space1" />

 <div class="block-image">
 <figure>
 <img
 alt="reconciliation2"
 class="lazyload has-img-center"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/reconciliation2_700x394_3375ff5a96.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-12T07:39:56.110Z"
 />
 </figure>
 </div>

 <hr class="vertical-space1" />

 
 Returning to Spirit, using visual and experiential processes, offers a
 gentle way of teaching; yet it’s very disruptive, it wakes people up.
 It’s like throwing a bucket of cold water on their faces.
 

 
 I went to Rome and heard the Pope’s apology. Great! However, no apology
 by the Pope or the government can take away the harm, and I think that
 is what people fail to recognize.&nbsp;
 

 
 My favorite part of the Rome visit was being able to do pipe ceremonies
 alongside my brother Friar Francois Paradis at the General House of the
 Missionary Oblates of Mary Immaculate, and the genuine interest it
 sparked to know and understand us. That is an experience so many who
 came before me never had. They made sacrifices, they experienced pain,
 some never came home. I believe that the ancestors want reconciliation
 for me; maybe as I heal, they are healing too. The best way I see to
 honor them is Mino-Bimaadiziwin (holistic health), and to pass
 that legacy of well-being on to my children and grandchildren.
 

 
 Hatred and resentment are passed from generation to generation. There
 are people who never went to residential schools but are walking around
 like it happened to them, carrying and perpetuating the anger and
 resentment. Unfortunately, they do it at the cost of their own peace. I
 don’t want to pass that stuff on to my son.
 

 <hr class="vertical-space1" />

 <hr />

 <h4 class="has-text-align-center block-heading">
 We can’t change the past – it happened the way it happened.
 We can change our reaction to it, and how it lives in us
 today.
 </h4>

 <hr />

 <hr class="vertical-space1" />

 
 For the last 20 years, we’ve been trying to reconcile in a vacuum,
 trying to heal without the other, and we need both. That’s what’s unique
 about our process. At Returning to Spirit, we are working with
 Indigenous and non-Indigenous people. Each is different. And there are
 biases in judgment and assumptions on both sides.&nbsp;
 

 
 We give them the tools to be able to set their biases aside for long
 enough to have a conversation. This is a tool for reconciling all
 relationships.&nbsp;
 

 
 As I let go, as I continue creating peace for myself, I believe that my
 ancestors are also healing on the other side. It is beautiful that I’m
 living at a time in history where this is actually possible.
 

 
 There are a lot of people, both Indigenous and non-Indigenous, who are
 frustrated because the idea of reconciliation feels like a never-ending
 cycle. So how do we move forward? By everybody recognizing that this is
 something we live with, that we need to do our own work rather than
 expecting other people to make it okay. The government can’t do it for
 us.
 

 
 How do we address generational trauma? By doing our own work. We’re part
 of it all. It doesn’t matter what country you go to, every single
 Indigenous culture has a creation story. What runs through all those
 stories is that we are a part of creation, and we are made up of
 everything. Our bodies are 70% water, and our voices are part of the
 wind. How we speak, and how we take care of our possessions, we must
 take care of our wind.
 

 
 I love the word Namwayut, which means we are all one.2
 

 
 Throughout my journey, I have collected many moments of powerful
 reconciliation. No two have been the same, and the people are as diverse
 as the experience. I’ve come to see that there are many forms of
 reconciliation – it’s not just one way. However, the feeling of
 reconciliation in my spirit, is the same,
 despite the road traveled. It makes me feel good, and it makes me feel
 alive.
 

 <hr class="vertical-space1" />

 <hr />

 
 1The Indian Residential Schools Settlement Agreement, the
 largest class-action settlement in Canadian history, began to be
 implemented in 2007. One of the elements of the agreement was the
 establishment of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada to
 facilitate reconciliation among former students, their families, their
 communities, and all Canadians.
 

 
 2Namwayut–We Are All One is the title of a book
 by Chief Robert Joseph

We cannot do reconciliation, we must be reconciliation

Liu perceives the concentration, simplicity, peace and sharpness that results from both calligraphy and meditation, which take daily practice to master the essence until the mind can freely express through the pen. He has learned that perseverance is very important.

Liu Janmin.jpg

Liu Janmin

<h4>LIU JIANMIN is a Heartfulness practitioner and calligrapher. He has taken a quote of FEI XIAO TONG (1910-2005), one of the founders of Chinese sociology and anthropology: “Be inspired by others and cherish your value. Share the fruits then always endeavor for harmony.” Liu has written the quote in three running calligraphy images.</h4>&nbsp;<figure class="image"><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/beauty_of_nature_spirituality2_8a08531c4c.jpg"></figure>I have practiced&nbsp;Heartfulness Meditation for ten years. My experience with the practice went&nbsp;from curiosity and ignorance to gradual&nbsp;acceptance, and then to&nbsp;becoming a part of&nbsp;my life. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;In the process, I found that perseverance is very important. I can clearly perceive my concentration, simplicity, peace, and&nbsp;awareness. It is similar with&nbsp;the&nbsp;calligraphy practice, which takes serious daily practice to master&nbsp;the essence&nbsp;until the mind can freely be expressed with a pen.<figure class="image"><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/beauty_of_nature_spirituality3_75672c817e.jpg"></figure><h4>Running script</h4>Calligraphy is&nbsp;an ability&nbsp;to express the beauty of nature and the beauty of human spirituality.&nbsp;It stresses the overall&nbsp;harmony between words and lines.&nbsp;Practicing calligraphy&nbsp;can&nbsp;help to achieve relaxation and&nbsp;to&nbsp;repel outside disturbances.Chinese script generally comes in five styles:&nbsp;Seal script,&nbsp;篆书 Official script,&nbsp;隶书 Regular script,&nbsp;楷书 Running script,&nbsp;行书 Cursive script,&nbsp;草书 This work is running script.&nbsp;Its strokes are smooth, the lines are varied, and the form is concise.<figure class="image"><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/beauty_of_nature_spirituality4_e6f72dbd13.jpg"></figure>

The beauty of nature and spirituality

Liz is a happy human being living in Kanha Shanti Vanam. She is blessed with a son and daughter and four beloved grandchildren in Australia. She is the global Director of Heartful Communication and has been a certified trainer in Nonviolent Communication for over 20 years.

Liz Kingsnorth.jpg

Liz Kingsnorth

<h4>LIZ KINGSNORTH, Director of the Heartful Communication program, shares 10 tips we can apply to improve our relationships with others at home, at work and with friends, all by improving the way we communicate.&nbsp;</h4>&nbsp;<img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_1_e2968c1dd7.jpg" alt="10tips-1.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_1_e2968c1dd7.jpg 224w," sizes="100vw"><h4>1. Keep an intention for connection.</h4>Nurture your intention: that you want to create and sustain, a respectful and compassionate quality of connection—whatever happens! Trust that this intention for connection is more important and more nourishing than “winning” or “being right,” or even just “having your say.” Connecting heartfully with others is one of the deepest of human needs.Having a quality of connection means that you bring yourself fully present and try to keep your heart open to what is going on for the other person—however they might express themselves—plus you keep an awareness of what is alive within yourself in each moment. In this way you can be in touch with what matters to the other and to yourself. &nbsp;To achieve this, learning to pause often is invaluable!When the connection is sustained, there is a strong possibility that both of you will be able to express yourselves, plus be heard and understood. .<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_2_1b21824ce8.jpg" alt="10tips-2.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_2_1b21824ce8.jpg 146w," sizes="100vw"><h4>2. Listen twice as much as you speak! &nbsp;&nbsp;</h4>You have two ears and one mouth—an effective reminder! Listening, truly listening, is one key to a healthy relationship. You may only be half listening, just waiting for your chance to speak, wanting to make your point, disagree, or tell your story. When your attention is with your own thoughts, you are not listening. Listening means to sense into the world of the other person, to intend to understand their perspective and needs, even if you disagree with what they are saying.<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_3_2611d0b901.jpg" alt="10tips-3.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_3_2611d0b901.jpg 224w," sizes="100vw"><h4>3. Understand the other person first.</h4>“Seek first to understand before you are understood,” said Stephen Covey in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. When the other person feels you are understanding them, they are far more likely to be open to understanding you. Being willing to understand the other person first involves acceptance, generosity, respect, self-control, patience, and being curious instead of furious about how they are different from you!When someone receives respect and empathy, then a wish to cooperate and contribute is free to emerge. In this approach, we believe that generosity, and a desire to cooperate and contribute, are natural human states. Not habitual, but natural. When people don’t receive attention and empathy, they may continue struggling to be heard and understood, becoming increasingly insistent or aggressive. Alternatively, they may shut down, feeling resentful and unwilling to interact further. Remember, empathy is not agreement—you can empathize with someone with whom you profoundly disagree, if you are willing!<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_4_9751f4cdb2.jpg" alt="10tips-4.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_4_9751f4cdb2.jpg 224w," sizes="100vw"><h4>4. Develop awareness of underlying needs and values.</h4>One way of understanding human behavior is to be aware that everything people say and do is an expression of underlying needs, longings, or values. We can learn to tune in, identify, and “hear” these needs, even when they are not directly expressed. Because all human beings share these needs, they are our magic key to unlocking mutual understanding.&nbsp;For example, if someone says, “You are so selfish, you never do anything to help at home,” they are indirectly expressing a longing for consideration and support, but it comes out as blame and judgment. If you can empathize rather than react, you might say, “Are you upset and angry because you really need consideration and support?” This type of response will connect, and the person will start to feel understood.<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_5_93824321a1.jpg" alt="10tips-5.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_5_93824321a1.jpg 144w," sizes="100vw"><h4>5. Begin with empathy.</h4>Refrain from:<ul><li>Immediately telling your own similar story,&nbsp;</li><li>Interrogating with a lot of data-type questions,&nbsp;</li><li>Interpreting the other’s experience,&nbsp;</li><li>Giving advice,&nbsp;</li><li>One-upmanship, e.g., “If you think that’s bad wait till you hear about what happened to me!” &nbsp;</li><li>Dismissing the person’s feelings, e.g., “Oh, don’t be angry,”&nbsp;</li><li>Compensating and minimizing the person’s experience, e.g. “At least…” and &nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;</li><li>Telling the person that this experience is actually good for them!</li></ul>Generally people appreciate receiving empathy before anything else. The above responses may have their place later on in a conversation—it is often a matter of being sensitive to when!<hr><h4 style="text-align:center;"><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_6_4102284397.jpg" alt="10tips-6.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_6_4102284397.jpg 224w," sizes="100vw"></h4><h4>6. Link your feelings to your needs or values, and take responsibility for them.</h4>What someone else says or does is not the cause for how you feel, it is the trigger. Your feelings are linked to underlying needs or values that are stimulated by what’s happening. For example, you might get angry that someone does not do what they say they are going to do, so you tell them, “You make me so angry, you are so unreliable!” This inflammatory accusation could be rephrased by owning that your anger comes from your own unfulfilled wish or value, e.g., “I feel really frustrated because it’s important to me that we keep to agreements that we’ve made.”<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_7_8bd8cf9604.jpg" alt="10tips-7.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_7_8bd8cf9604.jpg 158w," sizes="100vw"><h4>7. Make requests that are doable, specific, and positive, linked to your need.</h4>Having expressed what is important to you (your need or value), you can make a request that would go one step toward fulfilling that need. Making specific requests allows you to move out of just complaining. It’s a gateway to something changing. You may be asking things of others that are simply too vague, too big, or are expressed as a request to stop doing something, rather than a request about what you would positively like to happen. For example, “Stop making so much noise,” or “Please be more considerate,” are not clear, and could be interpreted in various ways. In contrast, “When you are playing video games, please would you use headphones?” is specific and doable.<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_8_a78880407a.jpg" alt="10tips-8.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_8_a78880407a.jpg 224w," sizes="100vw"><h4>8. Describe what’s happened in observation language &nbsp; &nbsp;</h4>When you are upset, angry, scared, or worried, you may lapse into descriptions of what is triggering you, in language full of judgment, blame, or interpretation, for example, “You are always attacking me,” “He doesn’t care at all about us,” “You’re too lazy,” etc. If you can describe what you are seeing and hearing in a neutral, factual way, free of judgments (as a video camera would record), there’s a good chance the other person can agree with this initial description. Then the interaction can move to aspects that will make the difference, such as sharing of feelings, needs, and requests. “That’s a really stupid idea,” might be rephrased as, “When you suggest that we all go to a movie that finishes at midnight (observation language), I’m worried (feeling) because it’s important that the kids get a full night’s sleep (need). How about we go to the 2 p.m. show instead (specific request)?”<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_9_31f1e2a722.jpg" alt="10tips-9.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_9_31f1e2a722.jpg 126w," sizes="100vw"><h4>9. Be willing to hear “No!”</h4>Even these guidelines are not a magic wand. Your carefully expressed requests might still elicit a “No” from the other person. If this upsets you, it is useful to reflect if your request was actually a demand that the person should fulfill! You have a choice about how you hear that “No.” You could hear it simply as an expression that something else is important to the other person, i.e., they have a different need or value alive in this moment. If you take time to find this out, you may realize that their “No” is actually a request for something else to happen. And then you are into the dance of negotiation! &nbsp;“No” may not be as threatening as you might imagine!<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_10_cf237743d2.jpg" alt="10tips-10.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_10_cf237743d2.jpg 171w," sizes="100vw"><h4>10. Remember how much you are communicating without words.</h4>What is in your heart and mind, your inner condition and attitude, the energies being expressed through your body, your facial expressions, the tone of your voice… all these elements are communicating in ways that are intuitively picked up and understood by others. Are your words in alignment with these subtler elements? You are manifesting your consciousness at every moment. If you want connection, understanding, and harmony in your relationships, you can work on nourishing those aspects deeply within ourselves.Then our communication may become truly communion.<h4>Useful references:</h4>Heartful Communication: <a href="https://heartfulness.org/hc/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">https://heartfulness.org/hc/</a> Nonviolent Communication™ – a Language of Life, by Marshall Rosenberg <a href="//www.cnvc.org" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">www.cnvc.org</a> <a href="//www.nvctraining.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">www.nvctraining.com</a><hr><h4 style="text-align:center;">Illustrations by LAKSHMI GADDAM</h4><hr>&nbsp;

10 tips for effective communication

<h4>In this 3-part series, LIZ KINGSNORTH introduces the value of <a href="https://heartfulness.org/magazine/a-framework-for-effective-listening" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">effective communication</a>, the basic principles of Heartful Communication, and how it can guide our understanding of our personal feelings and needs, and the feelings and needs of others, ultimately leading to a more consistent state of harmony. In part 3, Liz shares how listening can be a powerful and empathetic tool of communication.</h4><hr><h3>HEARTFUL COMMUNICATION – PART 3</h3><hr>We can listen in a range of ways. We can listen in attentive silence, offering our alert presence, communicating acceptance, respect or care, without words. Or we might need to listen for factual information – for example in a work meeting – and then we can check back with the speaker if what we have picked up is accurate.Perspective taking is another way to listen. Paying attention and acknowledging someone’s perspective or opinion, particularly when it is very different from our own, requires us to be centered and to let go of any urge to persuade them they are wrong! If our intention is connection not correction, we first listen for their way of seeing things and then we may reflect back to them our understanding of their perspective. “So, your view is that vaccination should be compulsory for everyone, is that right?” Remember, you don’t need to agree with their perspective, but when someone feels accurately heard, not immediately argued with, not judged, they are much more likely to be open to hearing your perspective also.Another level is to listen for how a person is feeling, and we can offer back what we sense. For example, someone might say, “My husband is never at home. He’s married to his job!” Even though feelings are not explicitly named here, we can sense that this person is in pain about her situation, that she has feelings of frustration and anger, perhaps loneliness, or even despair. If we gently respond to this outburst by asking if she is feeling a bit hopeless and alone, she may experience relief from being heard; here is someone really trying to understand her experience.What matters is that we don’t fall into the habit of immediately trying to fix things or make light of the situation. Habitual responses might be:To try to console, for example, “Never mind, at least he does come home!”To give immediate advice, for example, “Why don’t you complain to his boss?”Very commonly, to tell our own similar story, for example, “Oh, my husband’s just the same,” and off we go with our own story, often with a sort of one-upmanship, like our situation is even more horrible than theirs!I call these kinds of responses “circuit breakers,” because they can so quickly break the flow of connection and cut across the person’s need to express themselves. We jump in and reply with what comes instantly into our mind. Stephen Covey wrote, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” It’s not that we should eliminate these responses altogether, as at times they may be what someone wants, but often not as a first reaction. It can be an issue of timing, being sensitive to their need to vent without interruption.<hr><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/Heartful_Communication_3_2_91c91b2886.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-06T10:33:53.565Z" alt="Heartful-Communication-3-2"><hr>Take a moment now and reflect on the ways you commonly respond: “Do I tend to immediately give advice, for example? Or perhaps start telling my own experience?”You might also reflect on how you feel when someone tries to immediately fix things, when you want to simply share something and be heard?What we are often yearning for from our listener is empathy, that they are willing to imagine our world, to gently step into our unique experience and affirm it. Heartful Communication teaches us to listen so carefully that we can hear or sense what someone may be longing for, as well as their feelings, even when they don’t articulate them clearly. So, an empathic response to, “My husband is never at home. He’s married to his job!” might sound like, “I guess you’re feeling really fed up and alone, and you would love to have more quality time together with your husband.” We tune into her longing for companionship, even though it is being expressed indirectly as an exasperated complaint.When people receive empathy in this way, they often feel relief, an easing of pressure. Their need to be heard and understood is met. It’s nourishing. It’s one of the most transformative aspects of communication that we can develop.Being able to stay calm and listen under pressure is more challenging. Yet, if we can do it, if we can empathize with someone who is angry with us, hostility can change to harmony in a remarkably quick time. I remember one time when I was living in a house with no access to the backyard except through my neighbor’s garden. I was doing major renovation work and my neighbor had agreed to allow the workmen to come through his garden with their heavy loads to access my yard.<hr><hr><h5>Learning new habits of listening&nbsp; instead of defending ourselves.&nbsp; Becoming aware when we are triggered and then being able to respond gently.&nbsp; These things can liberate us from the prison of judgment&nbsp; and reactivity.</h5><hr><hr>We were a couple of weeks into the project with a lot more to be done, when one morning he bolted the gate between our gardens and piled up furniture behind it. Clearly, he had decided to put a stop to the work. If the gate stayed locked, that would be the end of my garden renovation. I needed to go and listen to this man.I began quietly, using neutral observation: “Hello John, I see the gate is locked today.” He immediately exploded, shouting, “You think you can just go on like this every day with these idiots invading my garden like it’s a public road!”I took a deep breath and listened for his feelings and what his needs were in this moment, and then I replied, “Are you really angry because you want your privacy respected”? “Yes!” he roared, “I don’t know when this damned work is going to be over. I’ve had enough!”Although I was alarmed, I remembered that he was angry because he had valid unmet needs, so I responded, “Right, it’s important that you know what the timeframe is for completing.” “Of course!” he said. “And see that shed? That’s my home office with all my files and my computer inside!” I replied, “Oh wow, I can see why you’re worried about security and want to be sure your stuff is safe.”Other things were upsetting him: “And see those plants – that is salad! Your buffalos are trampling over everything!” “I’m really sorry,” I said. “It matters that they take care and keep to the path.” There were a couple more of these interchanges with him expressing what he was angry about and me listening and doing my best to reflect back to him my understanding of his feelings and needs. I could see him becoming calmer. Then suddenly, to my surprise, he said, “Well, all right, I can see you have to get the work done. I’ll open the gate when they come!”I was taken aback at how fast things had shifted. I hadn’t protested or defended my situation. The whole thing took about ten minutes. I quickly thanked him and assured him we would talk with the workmen about his concerns. The project was completed amicably. This is the power of focused, empathic listening that’s possible even under pressure.<hr><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/Heartful_Communication_3_3_faaf7d6a43.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-06T10:34:55.487Z" alt="Heartful-Communication-3-3"><hr>Learning new habits of listening instead of defending ourselves. Becoming aware when we are triggered and then being able to respond gently. These things can liberate us from the prison of judgment and reactivity. As Viktor Frankl suggests, “There is a space between the stimulus and the response. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” I have found that this can be achieved more easily when we have a practice of meditation that helps us create such spaces, bringing increasing calmness and balance inside. This is a journey where we endeavor to transcend our conditioning and re weave a web of generous, warm relatedness, where the well-being of each one, and all of us together, matters more than pursuing our individual wellbeing. Here we go beyond our separate identities toward a shared sense of oneness, as an entire human family, in which each one flourishes and can contribute to the well-being of all.<hr>&nbsp;

Listening with the intent to understand

<h4>LIZ KINGSNORTH introduces Marshall Rosenberg’s practical approach of Nonviolent Communication, and how it is integrating with Heartfulness into Heartful Communication.</h4><hr><h5 style="text-align:center;">“Make sure that your acts and your words&nbsp; reflect the work being done in your heart.”&nbsp; —Babuji</h5><hr>Tensions were high during a 3-day peace-building dialogue between community leaders from Palestine and Israel. My cofacilitator and I were worried. The hope and determination that people had arrived with was under threat from divisions, frustrated efforts, and pain. The breakthrough came when we asked participants to simply walk along the beach with someone from the other community. As the pairs set off, they walked with distance between them. An hour and a half later they returned. Many were visibly different, a kind of serenity and fragility in their open faces. There was an air of gentle connection, a sense that people had truly met each other. Many described the powerful impact of their walks together. “I will see things differently now,” said one. They had uncovered their common humanity, shared that they had the same needs – to give their children a good education, to celebrate their culture, to live in safety, and so on. From that moment, I was able to do what I was there to do: offer the perspective and skills of Nonviolent Communication to support their ongoing dialogue and projects.When I first came across the approach called Nonviolent Communication, which is the one of the key components of Heartful Communication, I realized it was transformative. Only with time and experience, I began to understand how profound it is as a way of being, a way to understand human behavior. It helps us experience the one-ness of humanity in a tangible way … in each moment, every day.NVC originated through Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, who passed away in 2015. He said, “The purpose of Nonviolent Communication is to help you to do what you already know how to do … to connect in a way that makes natural giving possible. To stay with that quality of giving, moment by moment, in every contact we have. But it’s easy to lose that connection. In spite of how precious it is, we forget. And instead, we play the game of ‘Who’s right!’ It’s a game where everybody loses.” We want to be in tune with our true, giving nature, but we have forgotten how. We’ve lost our way. Deep down we long to find a way to align our thoughts, words and actions with the loving, spiritual beings we are at our core. When we experience this alignment, we breathe freely. We remember. We feel a sense of Home. NVC makes the alignment of our inner and outer beings possible by focusing on what is alive in the heart. Instead of habitual judging and blaming, learned from the prevailing culture, we look for the fundamental human motivators that manifest in the heart. They can be called longings, yearnings, aspirations, values or universal human needs – things like respect, acceptance, security, contributing to others. NVC suggests that everything anyone says or does is an attempt to fulfill one or another of these life affirming human needs. When we learn to focus on and validate the needs that underlie behavior, we find a way to connect with a person, even when they are saying or doing things we don’t like. For example, instead of judging a child as “bad” for not telling the truth, we see they may need to protect themselves. Perhaps in the past they experienced punishment for being honest and owning up to taking or breaking something. We can understand the child’s need for self-protection, because we too experience that need, in situations we feel to be physically or emotionally threatening. Or, as we sense what needs may be unconsciously being met in someone we call a “bully,” we may discover new compassion growing within us. They may have experienced fear, disapproval and powerlessness in early life, been humiliated or isolated. Longings for recognition, esteem and being powerful, are manifesting in ways that violate the safety and well-being of others. Recognizing their unfulfilled needs can lead us to look for more fitting, healing ways to help restore the bully to their true nature. We come to realize that anger and violence – whether physical, psychological or emotional, spoken or unspoken – are the tragic expressions of unfulfilled needs.<img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/heartful_communication2_650af53c1a.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-07T12:13:02.368Z" alt="HEARTFUL-communication">NVC offers a radical listening and empathic responding process that can melt conflict in a surprisingly short time. I remember a neighbor who was furious with me because my workmen were trampling through his garden. He blocked the gate and refused to let them through. When he yelled, “Your guys are wrecking my garden! How long am I supposed to put up with these idiots?” I responded, “I can see you’ve put a lot of effort into your garden. Are you furious because you want it respected? And you’d like a timeframe for when this will be over?” He continued with his angry accusations but it took only 5 minutes of me listening to him without defending, each time empathizing with his needs in the same manner, before he softened and opened the gate. Our relationship was preserved.NVC is a universal process that can be learned by all kinds of people, of all ages and in all kinds of cultures. I recall a team project with prison guards in Scotland that I found particularly moving. These were tough guys, mostly ex-military, allergic to feelings, keeping themselves safe through physical strength and hard-hitting humor. Our job was to teach them deep listening, conflict management, facilitation and counseling skills! At first it was difficult. Their armor seemed impenetrable and we were perceived as coming from another planet. Listening to their stories, having sincere respect and willingness to try to understand their dangerous world, finally turned the key. I will always remember sitting in a circle with them one year on. One man had tears in his eyes as he expressed his sadness and despair: “There is no room for compassion in this work.” No one joked, all were quiet, nodding their agreement. In awe I reflected on how far these men had come. Now they valued self-awareness, feelings, trust, openness. They knew how to listen. They could connect to the needs of the prisoners and each other. They had self-respect. They had come home to their hearts. One said, “I am a much better man now, I feel like myself.” Subsequently they won an award for teaching this to others, and guards who refused to take part were called “dinosaurs”!Rosenberg saw the crucial role that language plays in contributing to either harmony or conflict. We think in language. Language shapes our perception, creates our “reality.” Hafiz, the 14th century Persian mystic said, “What we speak becomes the house we live in.” Judgments, threats, demands, interpretations, separate us from our hearts and from each other. NVC offers us a clear structure and tools for expressing ourselves without these habitual, alienating forms of language (See <a href="https://baynvc.org/basics-of-nonviolent-communication/">https://baynvc.org/basics-of-nonviolent-communication/</a> ).It can readily be taught to children as well as adults – children are naturals!Daaji has said, “NVC goes ‘hand-in-glove’ with Heartfulness.” Both are heart-centered approaches enabling us to become more loving, purer human beings. As we integrate NVC into Heartfulness, a process is emerging called Heartful Communication. Eventually, with a spiritual practice and perspective, we may hope to free ourselves of having needs. But at the moment we are imperfect human beings. Needs are there, at our core, with differing intensities for each of us. As we evolve spiritually, our needs also evolve. A wish for recognition may change to a longing for humility to be an anonymous server. A need for social belonging may transmute to a yearning for merging with the divine.The 13th century Sufi mystic, Rumi, expresses the condition that can blossom when we move out of fear-based blame and judgment, threat, demand, winning and losing, reward and punishment; when we transform our “diagnoses,” i.e. thinking and communicating in terms of what is “right” and “wrong” with us.<hr><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/heartful_communication3_f0acd1087b.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-07T12:14:21.132Z" alt="heartful-communication">“Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing,&nbsp; there is a field. I’ll meet you there.&nbsp; When the soul lies down in that grass,&nbsp; the world is too full to talk about.&nbsp; Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’ doesn’t make any sense.”&nbsp;When we meet in Rumi’s field, it will enrich and unite us all.&nbsp;<hr> Learn Heartful Communication:&nbsp;Visit <a href="http://www.heartfulcommunication.org">www.heartfulcommunication.org</a>Learn NVC:Find a training: <a href="http://www.cnvc.org">www.cnvc.org</a>&nbsp; 30-day free online course and NVC resources library: <a href="http://www.nvctraining.com">www.nvctraining.com</a>&nbsp; Facebook pages list events, e.g. NVC India; Bay Area Nonviolent Communication&nbsp; NVC with children: Google searchBooks:Nonviolent Communication – A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg&nbsp; Respectful Parents Respectful Kids by Hart and Hodson&nbsp; Being Genuine by Thomas D’Ansembourg&nbsp; Words that Work in Business by Ike Lasater&nbsp;YouTube videos:Marshall Rosenberg teaching NVC<hr><h4 style="text-align:center;">Article by LIZ KINGSNORTH Illustrations by JASMEE RATHOD</h4><hr>

Heartful communication

<h4>&nbsp;</h4>In this 3-part series, LIZ KINGSNORTH introduces the basic principles of Heartful Communication, and how it guides our understanding of our personal feelings and the feelings of others, ultimately leading to a more consistent state of harmony. In part 1, she focuses on the importance of the quality of communication.&nbsp;<hr>These are extraordinary times. So much of what we call our “normal life” has been thrown up in the air like pieces of a puzzle, and the pieces are landing – if at all they do land – in a different pattern, which may not be recognizable. Amidst this uncertainty and turmoil, we find our relationships under greater pressure. There seems to be conflict and misunderstanding at all levels, within ourselves, between family members, at work, within our countries, and between nations.Many of us are longing to have more harmonious relationships and to communicate more effectively. At a deeper level, we want to interact in a way that is in alignment with our core selves, with the best versions of ourselves. I hear people saying things like, “I want to feel at peace at the end of the day.” No one wants the heaviness that can result from misunderstandings and disagreement. I’m sure that we all prefer to manage interactions with care; we want to listen well, to speak kindly, but we struggle to achieve this consistently. Heartful Communication sets out to meet this need. After a workshop, one woman wrote simply, “I’ve always known how I want to live my life and now I have the tools to do it.”This is not just a set of techniques or a toolkit, however; it’s an awareness and a way of being. It weaves together a heart-centered approach to living, with practical ways to manifest this in our daily interactions. Techniques and wisdom from the Heartfulness practices and philosophy are interwoven with a process called Nonviolent Communication, which was developed by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg. Both approaches focus on the heart, and honor our humanness, recognizing that we are imperfect beings with shared yearnings and shared vulnerabilities.So how would it be if we used these very yearnings and vulnerabilities as a valuable, alive way to realize the power of unity and what we have in common, rather than as evidence of our weakness or collective failure as a species? This lived experience of togetherness is something that Heartful Communication offers.<hr><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/Communication2_4f8750a454.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-11T10:25:02.583Z" alt=""><hr>We always communicate from our current level of awareness, so the more we can raise our awareness and refine our inner states, the more likely it is that our communication will be refined. The more our hearts are open and nurtured, the more compassion and authenticity will be infusing our connections with others and with ourselves. So meditation, with its power to raise our awareness and to connect us with our deepest center, holds a key to helping us develop a more balanced, loving way of living and relating.Yet, even with the best intentions, the noblest ideals and values, we mess up. We say things we regret, we trigger hurt in others, and often we don’t know how it happened. We misunderstand and we are misunderstood. We can be our own worst enemy, especially in our closest relationships. Isn’t this where the toughest tests often arise?Let’s remind ourselves that we are products of our cultural conditioning. Most of us are educated from birth to compete, to compare, to judge, to think in terms of who is right and who is wrong, who is better or worse, what is normal behavior and what is abnormal. This has led us into a fractured culture where blaming and shaming are the norm. It manifests in our day-to-day communications, in how we raise our children, in our education systems, our businesses, and our politics. Instead of wanting to CONNECT we want to CORRECT. As Marshall Rosenberg says, we are habitually playing the game of “Who is right?”Can you take a moment to reflect: When have you wanted to be right recently? When have you insisted on something, or tried to prove a point, perhaps? And if you won that round of the game and proved yourself to be right, how do you suppose the other person felt? And how did you feel deep down? Was it really satisfying to have won a point – perhaps at the cost of the other person feeling embarrassed, small or resentful? Did you win the argument but damage the relationship? Is winning, being right, actually worth it?This way of thinking and conditioning starts early in our lives. I’d like to share a story, told by a friend about her daughter in primary school. The teacher organized a running race and told the children that whoever won should grab as many chocolates as possible from the bowl. My friend’s daughter won the race but took only one chocolate. She was then scolded by the teacher for being disobedient – she had been told to grab lots of sweets and didn’t. When the distressed child returned home and was asked by her mother what happened, she cried, “If I had taken lots of chocolates, there wouldn’t have been enough for everyone.” Her natural inclination was to share, to think of others, but here she was being “educated” out of her natural way of being into winning at the expense of others.<hr><hr>My individual existence rests in all of humanity.&nbsp; Whatever I may think of the human race,&nbsp; I am inextricably a part of it! Each of us can&nbsp; and does make a difference to the whole,&nbsp; however small, in how we live each moment.<hr><hr><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/Communication3_63280b7889.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-11T10:27:05.130Z" alt=""><hr>What is it that we reward? How do we respond to mistakes? I was very inspired when I first heard about African communities that are rooted in the strength of Interdependence rather than Independence – the philosophy of Ubuntu. One Ubuntu practice that especially moves me is this: When someone makes a serious mistake, what we would probably call a crime in our society, that person sits surrounded by their community, and for two days everyone reminds him or her of all the good, kind things they have done! The idea is that the person has temporarily forgotten their true nature, so the others remind them of who they really are. Having been deeply affirmed and restored through this expression of acceptance, love, and trust, that person is extremely unlikely to repeat the mistake.This is a philosophy that has redemption at its core. Isn’t the possibility of redemption central to a humane society? How radically different this is from our idea that shame and punishment will reform us, starting with young children, all the way through to our criminal justice system. If I shame someone, whether through speech or action, am I not inevitably shaming myself ?My individual existence rests in all of humanity. Whatever I may think of the human race, I am inextricably a part of it! Each of us can and does make a difference to the whole, however small, in how we live each moment. For example, we cannot know what the extended effects of kindness might be. I remember one day, driving on a highway and stopping at a toll to pay my fee. To my surprise the toll attendant told me that the person in the car in front of me had paid for me! Apparently it was Random Acts of Kindness Day, which I wasn’t aware of, and this gesture of drivers paying for those behind them in the queue had been going on for an hour or so. In delight, I paid the toll fee for the car behind me, and I heard later that this chain of paying for another continued unbroken for most of the day. I’m sure that this repeated small gesture, this random act of kindness, will have generated smiles and opened hundreds of hearts that day, perhaps changing someone’s dark mood, with the result that they treated people differently. We don’t know, but we do know that we enjoy experiences that connect us. How we communicate can contribute to the warmth of connection and unity, or to the chill of separation. It can contribute to our evolution or to our diminishment.<hr>To be continued.<hr><hr><h4>Illustrations by ANANYA PATEL</h4><hr>

Communication: Bridging the Gap - Part 1

In this 3-part series, LIZ KINGSNORTH introduces the importance of effective communication, some principles of Heartful Communication, and how we can better understand our personal feelings and longings, and the feelings and longings of others. In Part 2, Liz explores why we think and behave the way we do, giving examples of how our communication will improve as a result of this understanding.<hr><h3>What are our feelings telling us?</h3><hr>Marshall Rosenberg suggests that underlying all our actions, words, and choices, are the human “needs,” aspirations, and longings that we want fulfilled. They are the motivators for our behavior. “Needs” may include safety, justice, belonging, to be heard, to have a sense of self-worth, to have purpose or meaning, to be accepted, to learn, to contribute, to have fun, to have peace. We do what we do and say what we say in order to try to meet a particular need. These needs are life-serving; in their essence, they positively contribute to life. Some needs are easy to understand, for example, going for a promotion to ensure security for the family, spending time on social media to meet a need for connection, complaining about loud music because of a need for peace to relax. Other behaviors are not so easy to understand, for example, not telling the truth. What needs might underlie this choice? I imagine each of us has said things at times that were not true, perhaps because we wanted to protect someone from hurt, or protect ourselves from criticism. Our motivation is to protect. If a child denies breaking a window when we know they broke it, our first reaction might be to scold them for not telling the truth. We might brand the child as a liar and thereafter doubt their word. If we feel into the child’s need underlying their denial, is it not self-protection? That is a need we all share. Perhaps they were punished in the past when they owned up to a mistake, so they have learned it’s not safe to tell the truth in such circumstances.So, how might we support a child to be honest, other than by punishing them when they lie? Whenever they acknowledge they have made a mistake – “Yes I broke this,” “Yes it was me who ate Mum’s chocolate, ” – can we welcome their honesty, affirm how we all mess up at times, and then together think through how the mistake could be sorted out? In other words, replace the use of fear with trust, with respect, with love.So here’s a key shift in our awareness – from criticizing a person’s behavior to trying to understand the underlying need behind their words and actions. What are the needs and values that are driving them? This awareness opens our hearts and enables us to realize our connectedness. It’s a choice. Awareness brings choice. This choice can be liberating for us and for those with whom we are relating.<hr><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/heartful_communication_part2_2_a8519c1394.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-12T03:22:02.119Z" alt=""><hr>Let’s take an everyday example of a family argument between a parent and their teenage child. The parent is frustrated by the teenager constantly being on their mobile phone with friends, even during mealtimes and late into the night, so they forcibly remove the phone. The teenager disappears into their room in a rage and refuses to come out. There’s a major stand-off. What each of them say and do to express their needs, in other words the strategies that they use, infuriate the other.Strategies are what we want; needs are why we want it. The parent has needs for the teenager to be healthy, and to participate in the togetherness of family life. The teen has needs for connection and friendship with their peers – to belong. As a young adult, they also value autonomy and the independence to make their own choices.The conflict lies at the level of the words and actions, the strategies, not at the level of the underlying needs. These are needs we all understand and experience; they are shared by all human beings – not necessarily at the same time, and not necessarily with the same intensity, but we can relate to them once we become aware of them. The parent understands their child’s needs for connection and autonomy, and the teen understands their parent’s wish for health and togetherness. In fact, the need for connection is common to both.The solution to this conflict, and any conflict, lies in recognizing and respecting the underlying needs, then looking for different strategies, new creative ways forward, where everyone’s needs are taken into account. It is not A’s way or B’s way, but a third way. This is why families all over the world endeavor to come up with agreements about phones that everyone feels okay with.<hr><hr><h5>The solution to this conflict,&nbsp; and any conflict, lies in recognizing&nbsp; and respecting the underlying needs,&nbsp; then looking for different strategies,&nbsp; new creative ways forward,&nbsp; where everyone’s needs are taken into account.</h5><hr><hr>To help us understand this concept of underlying needs as motivators for everything we say and do, let’s take a few examples:<ol><li>Why have you chosen to read this article? What needs are you hoping to meet?</li><li>If you tell your partner how much you enjoy their cooking, what needs are you fulfilling?&nbsp; When we express appreciation to another, isn’t this fulfilling our need, our wish, to contribute to someone else’s happiness? While we may also have an agenda of making sure we get dinner tomorrow too, I’m convinced that wanting to contribute to the well-being of others is one of the deepest human needs.</li><li>What might be the needs underlying bullying behavior?</li></ol>Do you sense that the person may have poor self-esteem and want to be seen as powerful, to feel that they are someone? Bullies have usually been bullied themselves and have felt the helplessness that turns to anger. So may they have a need for recognition or respect? There could be a wide range of needs, and often they are not conscious. Remember we don’t have to like or agree with certain behaviors in order to try to understand them more deeply.Marshall Rosenberg offers us this thought: “Every criticism, judgment and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.” It’s tragic because those forms of expression hurt others and hurt our own hearts. Learning to hear the unmet needs behind criticism or anger – whether coming from someone else or from inside us – will support a new understanding.Deep attentive listening is a cornerstone of Heartful Communication. Often we want to be listened to more than we want to listen! In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey offers us a habit that can transform our interactions: “Seek to understand before you are understood.” If we have an intention to really listen and understand another person first, this creates a warm connection and opens the field between us for dialogue. Any communication starts with our intention. In Heartful Communication, our intention is to connect: with the Source, with our own heart, and with the heart of another person – what matters to them in this moment? So we listen.<hr>To be continued.<hr><hr><h4>Illustrations by ANANYA PATEL</h4><hr>

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