What is love?

DR. ICHAK ADIZES observes how his understanding of love has evolved, and explores the question, “How can we develop love?”

For years I have been promoting the theory that change causes disintegration, and disintegration is manifested in what we call problems. The solution to problems caused by disintegration is integration based on mutual trust and respect. Mutual trust enables symbiosis; we contribute because we trust that others will contribute to the system too, so we will all benefit from the contribution we made. And when there is mutual respect, we learn from each other’s differences, and create synergy.

A sustainable solution to problems caused by disintegration is integration, for which we need to create and nurture a culture of mutual trust and respect. And I reasoned, absolute integration is absolute mutual trust and respect, and that is LOVE. And love solves all problems, as my mother used to say. I was wrong.

Trust and respect are processes we run through our brain; I respect you because I can learn from you, and I trust you because we have common interest. Great. Good  But that is not love. Love is not computing what you get out of a relationship: Do we have common interest so I can trust you, and will I learn from you if I respect your difference of opinion? Love is not sexual attractiveness and passion either. Those are physiological feelings. Love is based on compassion, on caring with no benefits expected.

In the Jewish religion, a true donation is made with love and that means anonymously, to expect nothing in return. No expectations of getting benefits from giving is what makes love different from all other feelings and actions.

There are three levels of integration. The lowest is via the Administrator role, with rules, policies, and instructions created outside the system on which it is imposed. It is based on power, on punishments for violations. The next level is an organic integration based on mutual trust and respect. It is not externally created and enforced. It is the result of reasoning and searching for self-benefits: Can I learn from you and thus make better decisions, and do we have a common interest so I do not doubt your contributions? The highest level of integration is when we integrate with no self-interest. We integrate because we are loving persons. And if God is absolute love, then if we integrate with love, with the highest level of integration, we are an extension of God, we are part and parcel of God.

How can we develop love? We know how to do lower levels of integration. Love on the other hand is evasive. In love we care for the other person as if they are us. Imagine a very sick child. In my Sephardic tradition a parent would say, “Yo para ti” meaning, “I wish I could take your place and your pain instead of you.” Loving relationships remind me of Francis Bacon, the  philosopher who said that a good friend is someone who doubles our happiness and cuts in half our sorrow or pain. They are not just an acquaintance but a loving friend.

Love cultivates the space between us so that we share the oneness. In love we do not fight the differences, underneath there is oneness. A friend of mine, a student of film, told me that when he becomes a director he wants to produce a movie for children with the following story: There is a kingdom where the king has one daughter he loves very much. In this kingdom all people by law must carry a mask that communicates their profession. 

One has a mask of a doctor, another of a thief, let us say. The daughter becomes very sick and is dying. She asks her father a last wish to ask all people to take their masks off. Loving his daughter, he orders it. As people take their masks down, it becomes evident that they all have the same face— the thief and the doctor. The message is that at the core we are all the same. We have our masks that identify our differences, but with love we recognize our oneness.

Heartfulness Guru, Chariji, said love is a muscle. Start loving, and the more you practice love the more you have it. Start giving without expecting. In other words, developing love is an experiential process. It cannot be learned with lectures or with love poems. Love is in the doing. Why practicing love encourages you to have more love, I don’t know. Your turn.

The highest level of integration is
when we integrate with no self-interest. 
We integrate because we are loving persons. 

Just thinking and feeling,

Ichak K. Adizes 
 

ichak@adizes.com
https://www.ichakadizes.com/post/what-is-love-once-more 

I want to recognize and appreciate the contributions of Professor Raj Sisodia, leader of the Conscious Capitalism movement, who pointed out to me that love is more than Mutual Trust and Respect, and includes care and compassion, and Topaz Adizes, the founder of {The And} experiences, who pointed out to me that love is born when the space between people is recognized and cultivated.