The Sacred Necessity of Presence

Restoring Authentic Connection in Human Relationships

NEGIN M. KHORASANI reflects on accompanying her mother through illness to explore how presence, acceptance, and attentive relating can restore authenticity to our relationships.

What follows springs from my own lived experience and ongoing contemplation as I accompany my mother through illness—a journey that continues to deepen my understanding of what it means to be truly present with another.

In our modern life, relationships are often reduced to transactions. Life moves quickly; we ask and respond, request and fulfill, act and react, and somewhere in this familiar rhythm, the quiet essence of connection can slip away. Relationships can so easily become transactional, shaped more by what we do for each other than by how we are with each other.

This loss of presence becomes even more visible when we feel rushed: hurrying to get to work and missing the chance to say or receive "I love you"; leaving for a trip without pausing for a calm embrace, or, more painfully, in moments when life itself is hastened toward an ending—as we see in the growing acceptance of assisted dying. Sometimes, in that haste, there is not enough time for hearts to meet, to speak, to process and make sense of what is unfolding, or to part with peace.

It is in such moments that we are reminded of the deeper meaning of connection; that our relationships are not just built on action but on presence. What nourishes us most is not what we give or receive, but the quality of being we bring to each encounter.

Authentic Relationship: Seeing Beyond Function

An authentic relationship is not defined by the sum of tasks completed or roles performed. Rather, it is rooted in the recognition of the other as a full, living human being, with their own inner world, vulnerabilities, and dignity. As the philosopher Martin Buber famously observed in I and Thou, the distinction between the I–Thou and I–It relationship is foundational: in the former, the other is encountered as a presence, not an object to be managed.

An authentic relationship is not
defined by the sum of tasks completed
or roles performed. Rather, it is rooted
in the recognition of the other as a
full, living human being, with their own inner world,
vulnerabilities, and dignity.

In such relationships, the message is simple but profound:

“You are seen for who you are, not just what you do.”

Humanistic psychology echoes this sentiment. In On Becoming a Person, psychologist Carl Rogers describes the transformative power of unconditional positive regard, arguing that people flourish when they feel deeply accepted for their intrinsic worth rather than for their usefulness or conformity to expectation.

Acceptance: Connection Before Correction

Acceptance is often misunderstood as passive tolerance. Yet authentic acceptance is an active stance of presence, not compliance. It begins with the decision to pause the impulse to correct or control, and instead to witness another’s experience with full attention, with openness to true connection.

Interpersonal neurobiology—through the work of Daniel Siegel and Stephen Porges, among others—shows that co-regulation within relationships—the mutual attunement of nervous systems —is essential for emotional and relational well-being. Acceptance creates the safety that allows both parties to step out of habitual defense patterns and experience genuine contact.

Acceptance is not the same as agreement. It does not require us to condone harmful behavior or to relinquish boundaries. Instead, it is an embodied acknowledgment of the other’s reality, creating fertile ground for empathy, understanding, and relational depth to flourish.

From Transaction to Presence: Changing the Dynamics

Many relationships, particularly in families, caregiving, and institutional contexts, have shifted toward functionality, where roles, tasks, and expectations dominate. To restore authenticity, we must intentionally interrupt these mechanistic patterns.

Shift the focus from doing to being.

Before responding or acting, pause. Ask internally: Am I noticing this person as a human being, not a checklist?

Acceptance is often misunderstood as passive tolerance. 
Yet authentic acceptance is an
active stance of presence, not compliance. 
It begins with the decision to pause
the impulse to correct or control,
and instead to witness another’s
experience with full attention, 
with openness to true connection.

Create relational micro-practices.

Small, deliberate acts—a shared silence, a gaze that communicates recognition, a moment of listening without agenda—recalibrate the interaction from transactional to connective.

Cultivate presence within constraints.

Even when caregiving is necessary or time is limited, the way actions are performed can convey dignity and acknowledgment. Folding presence into service transforms the action itself into relational nourishment.

Honor reciprocity in attention, not just tasks.

Relationships are not truly balanced by who does what; they are balanced by the mutual acknowledgment of inner worlds.

These strategies are informed by both contemplative traditions, which emphasize presence as a vehicle of transformation, and relational neuroscience, which highlights the biological importance of attuned connection.

Relationships are not truly balanced
by who does what; they are balanced
by the mutual acknowledgment of inner worlds.

Every Encounter is an Invitation to Connect in the Context of Illness

Illness is a profound reminder of life’s finitude. In such circumstances, the relational stakes are clarified: we may not know how long we have together, and the quality of each encounter becomes far more significant than the quantity of time.

When relationships are reduced to requests and tasks, we risk sacrificing the relational depth that matters most. Illness, paradoxically, offers an opportunity to reclaim what may have been lost; the heart of the relationship itself.

Practical implications include:

• Conscious slowing: intentionally take time to truly see and listen, even amid pressing needs.
• Shared presence over problem-solving: being together in stillness can be more restorative than completing a task.
• Savoring moments: small gestures, shared laughter, or silent acknowledgment carry outsized relational impact when time is limited.
• Elevating dialogue into connection: every conversation, however functional, can carry an undertone of recognition and respect.

In other words, illness reframes relational priorities: presence becomes the most important gift we can offer. Even a single authentic interaction can be profoundly transformative when approached with intentionality and love.

A Shift in Inner Posture

The radical shift begins within. It is not about changing the other but about changing how we are with them. A subtle inner posture might sound like:

• “Before I attempt to correct, I will first understand.”
• “Before I respond, I will feel your presence.”
• “Before I act, I will let attention precede agenda.”

These shifts are not sentimental; they are evolutionary. As contemplative science and phenomenological philosophy converge, we recognize that the quality of attention is formative: it shapes both the relational field and the inner world of all involved.

In this light, relationships become not
just functional exchanges, but fields of
mutual awakening, where illness, aging,
and finite time sharpen the focus,
revealing the enduring truth: presence
is both the path and the gift.

Conclusion: Presence as the Highest Expression of Care

When life is uncertain, illness looms, or time feels finite, the mechanistic and transactional patterns of human relationships are exposed for what they are: protective habits that obscure true connection. Reclaiming authenticity is not a luxury—it is an urgent act of love and wisdom.

Restoring authentic connection is:

• To recognize the sacred in the mundane.
• To see the human being behind the request.
• To respond with care that honors both the inner world and practical reality.
• To cultivate relational presence as a form of lasting nourishment, even in fleeting time.

As Parker Palmer reminds us in On the Brink of Everything, “Human presence is the most powerful force for transformation in the world.” In this light, relationships become not just functional exchanges, but fields of mutual awakening, where illness, aging, and finite time sharpen the focus, revealing the enduring truth: presence is both the path and the gift.