The kids are going crazy!

COLLEEN CHULIS talks about mothers as role models for girls to be strong and free spirited. The world fell in love with a little girl mimicking her mother at work in a video that recently went viral. The 8-yr-old’s impression of her mother working reminded the world how hilarious, but stressful, working around children can be. Colleen, her mother, is the regional vice-president, SAP Success Factors for Regulated Industries, in North America. 

A lot of people have now seen my oldest child, Adelle, thanks to the video that went viral! We live in Charlottesville, which is a small town in Virginia, home to the University of Virginia. My husband coaches the men’s soccer team at the university, and it’s a wonderful place to raise children. I have been in business or sales since graduating from university, and I’ve gone through many ups and downs in life, as a human, a woman, and a mother. I would love to share the lessons I have learned.

Navigating the pandemic

I feel very lucky that no-one in my immediate family was affected by the pandemic, although, I have friends who were terribly affected. Both my husband and I were able to keep our jobs and we are very thankful. But it also reminds us to really give back as much as we can to those who have not been so fortunate. 

The pandemic brought about an interesting change for us, because typically my husband goes outside to work, and I am more working from home or traveling for work. During the pandemic, my husband couldn’t go to the office, so he became the main parent to all the learnings, to all the teachings, the cooking etc. We went from seeing him just at dinnertime and bedtime to him being here 24 x 7.

I was really focused on work, because I am in sales, so we were meeting our customers, trying to understand them and how was Covid affecting different kinds of industries. What could we do to help our customers? We stopped focusing on selling to make sure that customers were okay. I spent a lot of time glued to my computer. The kids were home and everyone did well.

After the pandemic, I started seeing everything from a different point of view. For example, swim team meets have started up again this summer. In the past, I was always thinking, “Oh gosh, it’s Wednesday night. It’s swim team meet. It is so long or so hot…”Now, I can’t wait till Wednesday! It definitely changed my perspective. It made me focus on what is important.

I was really focused on work,
because I am in sales,
so we were meeting our customers,
trying to understand
them and how was Covid affecting
different kinds of industries.
What could we do to help our customers?
We stopped focusing on selling
to make sure that customers were okay. 

Working from home with kids

It’s very hard working from home, and it’s especially hard on kids. I think that’s why everyone thought the video was so funny, because almost everyone could relate to it. That is exactly what it looks like in my house. I am trying to get my work done, or I am on a video call, and my child needs something. Children always need something – they want the TV channel changed, or they want to go outside, or whatever. Even if you have a babysitter, they still want a parent. I still laugh when I watch it – my daughter does me so well! She knows exactly how to mimic me.  

Work from home has become the new normal. Lots of companies are going to adopt the hybrid workplace. Not everyone needs to go into the office every single day and do the crazy commute, and I don’t think they should. But we do need to figure out what that possibility looks like and what the new home looks like.

Seeking help

I am so grateful to my husband for doing so much. It was something we talked about a lot even before we got married: “I am going to be a working mom. Are you okay with that?” I knew who I was, and I didn’t think I was likely going to change all of a sudden. I didn’t want to be baking during the day, which many of my friends do. I would not have loved that.

I think it’s important to ask for help when you want to. I have a therapist I speak to once a month. Early on in my sessions with her, I told her how guilty I felt that I rarely cook at home.
She said, “Why would that make you feel guilty? Are your kids healthy? Do you spend time with them?”
“Yes, we always sit together, but we are always bringing something home: its pre-meal or pre-cooked. It’s just basic stuff.”
She said, “Well, it’s you who thinks that you have to cook the food for your own children. It doesn’t matter if you don’t cook it. You still feed them healthy food, you spend time with them, and you sit with them during dinner time. Take that pressure off yourself.”

I think we all want to be perfect,
we all want to have the beautiful packages
for friend’s birthday parties,
but it’s okay if we don’t.
I realize I was doing to that to myself,
I was making it harder on myself.
I was feeling guilty when I didn’t need to.
That was certainly freeing for me.

I would recommend you explore the reason you feel bad about something. There is a way to be easy on yourself. I think we all want to be perfect, we all want to have the beautiful packages for friend’s birthday parties, but it’s okay if we don’t. I realize I was doing to that to myself, I was making it harder on myself. I was feeling guilty when I didn’t need to. That was certainly freeing for me.

If you’re a single mom in the workplace, and you have the choice to be flexible, do it! You do not have to be at work exactly at 9 a.m. You can start work at 10 a.m. I think it’s important that women are really looked after by employers because our lives don’t fit into a box sometimes. I understand that there are certain professions that won’t allow that luxury, for instance, if you’re a doctor, you have to be there at 9 a.m. But if there is any possibility, if you can find a company that understands, it’s helpful.

My company is very flexible and trusting, and I need that. It is important to me, and that is one of the reasons why I am here. 

Parenting with enthusiasm

Everyone strives to be happy, but it’s really hard to stay happy always. In fact, I think if you strive for happiness, you will probably get the feeling that you haven’t hit the mark. At least that is how I feel. I am not naturally happy all day long, but I find joy in moments. That is what is really fun to look for. It’s the little things that make me happy –a cup of coffee in the morning, taking a bath in the evening, reading a book, being with my kids.

I had to figure out the things as a mother that I just didn’t like to do. I think a lot of parents don’t allow themselves to say, “I don’t like to play, or I don’t like to craft, or I love to craft but I don’t like to play.” I decided I wanted to do the things that really made me happy, because the kids were going to see that.

I can sit and craft all day, I love going on walks, I love reading books, I love cuddling on the couch and watching a movie, and I love throwing a ball. I became aware of where I found joy as a parent, and tried to do more of those things, rather than feeling guilty about saying I am not going to play that. It sounds like a little thing, but you spend a lot of your time with your children on the weekends, so try to find joy like this.

I look for the little moments. Even if I have had a really hard day, a really long stressful day, I look back and think about that one thing that made me laugh, or a really nice text message from a friend, which I will save. To me, that is finding joy versus just trying to be happy all day long, which is very hard to do.

There were other people saying, “This makes me feel sad,” and “Poor girl! Mom’s priorities are incorrect.”
I thought, “You have no idea, you are just commenting on a tiny video clip. So, I can’t really take you seriously.”
I thought how strange it was for people to comment on someone else in such a negative way. It doesn’t add any good to the lot. We have to find a way to peace, and to remind ourselves of that.

The video

It was exciting. It was crazy to see the numbers flying. People were texting, “She’s had a million,” “Oh, my God, she’s had 3 million,” and this was on LinkedIn, not YouTube or TikTok. It was so awesome to see all the comments from around the world. I had to translate many of the comments because people from around the world liked the video, even when they didn’t understand what she was saying. They could understand what was going on. 

My daughter was very normal about it. I don’t think she even thought about it much. A lot of friends said, “You really need to get her to acting classes,” but she really loves sports. I think she has natural acting ability.

There were also many negative comments posted on the video, e.g. “You should be a better role model!” but it felt that I had an army of people behind me. Whenever someone put a negative comment, there would be ten people responding, “You don’t know what you are talking about.” Everyone defended me without me having to do anything. 

A few of them said, “You should look at what you are doing with your time; your daughter is obviously craving your attention.” Well, my daughter was acting in the video, while I was filming her. She was poking fun at me. I was laughing at it. It was not a cry for help. Of course, I could give her more time; I am a working parent! On the other hand, I do find my kids to be very intentional, so of course it made me think, “Are they right? Am I a bad parent? Shall I give them more time?”

It is interesting that there are so many images of little girls applying lipstick, dressing up in their mom’s high heels, and pretending to walk down the aisle. You can picture that image. But there are not many images of little girls pretending to be mom at work, with business contacts, on the computer. It’s not the image people are used to seeing, but it is reality for me.

That’s why it resonated with so many people. They wrote incredible things to me, paragraph after paragraph, on how it made them feel, or reminded them of when they were a working mom 30 years ago. I have saved all these, and one day I am going to put them into a book. It’s on my do list. It really did create a strong reaction in so many people.

To listen to the full interview with Colleen, go to https://heartfulness.org/webinar/glow-webinar-archive/modern-motherhood-and-work-life-balance/.

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