DIVYA CHOWDHARY tells us how her young niece helped her understand the difference between being nice and being kind. That distinction has been helpful in her own application of kindness.
One of the first things my niece learned to say was, “Be nice.” Ironically, she never said it nicely. It would come as a strict reprimand to all of us. My sister-in-law originally taught her these words because she didn’t want her saying “Stop” to everything. So, when my niece felt that others were not being nice, she would yell, “Be nice!”
There were countless occasions when she would say this to me, even though I knew I was doing good by her. For example, when I would ask her to put away her toys, or tell her not to throw things, and she wasn’t in the mood to hear these requests, I was told to be nice. When my nephew threw food across the room, and I would scold him, she would be his shining knight in armor and reprimand me with, “Be nice.” It was hilarious at times. I knew I was teaching my niece and nephew things that were important and that would benefit them in the long run. It may not have been the “nice” thing to hear, but it was good for them. In fact, I was showing them kindness.
Although this story with my niece is a very light-hearted example of nice versus kind, it can be extrapolated into so many different aspects of our lives. We have been told growing up to be nice to others, but we don’t hear often enough that we can be kind to others. And if we do, we confuse nice with kind, even though there is a distinct difference that can impact relationships very differently.
I believe niceness is what we show others when we don’t stand to lose anything in the process, while kindness is what we show when we are ready to sacrifice something (time, energy, even another person’s feelings towards us). The major distinction is: Are we thinking about what is best for ourselves, or are we thinking about what is best for the other person?
I believe niceness is what
we
show others when we don’t
stand to lose anything in the process,
while kindness is what we show
when
we are ready to sacrifice something
(time, energy, even another person’s feelings towards us).
Being nice to others is easy. We can easily hold the door open in a chivalrous manner, not steal from our neighbors, and donate unneeded items to the local charity. We are taught to do those things, yet in none of them do we sacrifice our comfort or personal items. And, we walk away looking great in the eyes of others! Kindness, on the other hand, is a teacher staying an extra hour after school to tutor her students for free, giving helpful constructive criticism to someone who could benefit from the feedback, and offering your last sandwich to your friend who forgot his food at home when you’re still hungry. In each of those examples, kindness shines through the sacrifice of time, personal feelings, and comfort.
Kindness is honest, selfless,
and loving. It is fundamental
to building trust,
which is a building block for a
fulfilling
friendship.
Another way to look at it is in the types of compliments we pay to others. The first is a “nice” compliment – we couldn’t care less what the other person really feels, but we feel obliged to be pleasant. The second is a “kind” compliment – we care deeply how the other person will feel, so we feel our hearts signal to us to be kind.
At the core, kindness asks us to listen to our hearts, while niceness is a trained mindset. Both are important and have their place, and true friendships are built on both, but kindness leads in first place. Kindness is honest, selfless, and loving. It is fundamental to building trust, which is a building block for a fulfilling friendship.
Illustrations by MONIKA JURCZYK
Divya Chowdhary
