HESTER O CONNOR shares an account of her personal research into the experience of a 3-day meditation retreat. How easy it was to look for distraction afterward!
I have been practicing Heartfulness Meditation for almost 30 years, and this September I participated remotely in a 3-day spiritual retreat presented by Heartfulness. In line with many spiritual traditions, we are encouraged to study our meditative experiences and keep a diary of what we feel and discover –in other words, to do our own research.
Live-stream meditations were conducted by Daaji, and here is a narrative account of what I experienced during and after the retreat.
On Day 2, I was aware of an inner feeling of purity, and a longing to be like my guide. I would describe it as a feeling of wanting to be the absolute best version of myself. There was an inner stillness like a pond with no ripples. I had a feeling of moving closer to my teacher, as if the gap between us was less than it had been in previous days. I was conscious of not wanting anything to spoil this inner atmosphere. I had been ill for a few days with the flu, so I was relieved that I did not have to leave the house and be around others. I did not want to be pulled out from inside into conversation. I was happy to be quiet, savoring and absorbing what I received in the meditations with Daaji.
In addition to those group meditations, I meditated twice a day at home. I found myself clearing a corner of clutter in my kitchen, something I had been meaning to do for months. The daily preoccupations that I am so easily caught up in were not present. I went to bed in this state of ease.
I woke early for the final meditation of the 3-day event. The rest of the day was filled with inner spaciousness and ease. I did not feel pulled out of this state in the office during the day.
When you couple clean
eating with quality sleep,
adequate movement,
rest and recovery, emotional wellness,
and your spirit, you help the
natural
in-built intelligence of your body to work for you
and aid
prevention and recovery.
The allure of distraction
When I got home from work that evening, I noticed a shift. I longed to party, to let my hair down as if I was coming out of a period of isolation. I mulled over what I would do to distract myself. I had a moment when I could have chosen to stay with the inner experience and not be distracted, but I wanted distraction. I sat and watched an hour of the UK Channel Four News, and was very distracted by the dire events. I felt like praying for the plight of the suffering in the world. After that, I said to myself, “Enough.”
Why would I choose to return to the familiarity and comfort of distraction, of thinking and action? What was going on in these moments of choice between the spaciousness and beauty within, an inner gift arising from meditation, and seeking the familiar daily round of thinking and doing?
It is helpful for me to question the ideas that underpin how I live my life every day. We all have beliefs that influence how we behave, yet we rarely stop to think about these underlying beliefs, or the assumptions that inform our thinking and actions. What I received from my Catholic upbringing was the trust that all would be well in life. My mother was a fan of the Christian mystics. The Julian of Norwich quote,“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well,” comes to mind when things feel difficult. My father had a simple faith. Where I differ from my parents is that I believe in reincarnation of the soul. I believe that I have the capacity for goodness and destruction. Goodness is expressed as action to alleviate suffering, which includes well-intentioned action for all of creation. Destruction is any kind of harm to anything animate or inanimate – judgmental thoughts, cheating, and wasting resources like time, energy, and so on.
The spiritual purpose
The purpose of my existence is a spiritual one. The journey of my life is for my soul to return to the essence of its origin, which is spiritual energy in its original state. It is my assumption that the spiritual purpose of my life is fulfilled through a silent inner connection with my living teacher. It is through this inner connection, experienced within my heart, that I can evolve to the goal of the highest spiritual level in my lifetime. The effect of yogic Transmission from the teacher is for me evident in how I observe changes within myself and in others.
I considered myself to be flaky when I began Heartfulness Meditation in 1994. I now have a grounded-ness within, like an oak tree rooted to the eternal. The deepest longing of my heart is simultaneously satisfied and expands with the simple act of connecting to the core of my human essence. Many unnecessary preoccupations have fallen off over years of practice. Changes happen in a natural manner. The road ahead is still long and many more layers of ego require pruning.
So, it is very challenging for me to see how utterly bound I am to thinking and action, because it is how I live my life. It is hardly a surprise then that having an experience of a very subtle and beautiful state devoid of choice-making felt like the satisfaction of my longing. It was so subtle and unfamiliar, and therefore it was hard to rest there. I needed time to adjust to the new inner atmosphere, which was lighter and subtler. I was scared to remain in the unknown, to remain not choosing by being without the churning of thoughts. I opted for choosing the familiar merry-go-round of doing and thinking.
Satisfying your heart’s desire
Does this story shed any light on your experience of your spiritual journey? I invite you to question the beliefs and deeply held ideas that inform how you live your life every day.
Does it ring any bells that you might long for something deep inside, yet the distractions of life keep getting in the way?
Life is full of endless distraction. It is hardly surprising then that my research into my own experience sheds light on my fear of letting go, despite an intense spiritual longing. Zero has few reference points for me. Distraction on the other hand is the stuff of the material world.
Illustrations by ANANYA PATEL
Hester O Connor
