JUST THINKING AND FEELING
Dr. ICHAK ADIZES invites us to give our loved ones the benefit of the doubt by looking for the love and caring behind the criticism they throw at us. What if we could interpret their intentions differently? Maybe it’s just a matter of the way things are communicated!
Many people get upset at their spouse or partner for constantly telling them what to do, what to wear, what to eat, etc. No one likes it, but this phenomenon is not exclusive to marriage. This problem also arises with grown-up children. As long as they are young, they have no choice but to accept instructions. When they are grown up, they resent being told what to do or not to do. This can lead to offspring distancing themselves from intrusive parents and marriages becoming strained if the criticism is ongoing and extreme.
Recently, I had an illumination. The problem stems not from the behavior itself but from how we interpret the behavior. We interpret instructions as a desire to dominate and control, which causes resentment.
How about if we interpret the behavior differently? What if we see that the other party simply cares? They care that we eat well, dress nicely, walk straight, etc. They simply care. But there is more to it.
A marriage is a complementary team. We marry and fall in love with someone who exhibits strengths in areas where we are weak. For instance, they are organized while we are not, and vice versa—we might handle money better than they do. In a marriage, the one with the strength often tries to improve the one with the weakness. The problem is that this is often not done as a caring remark meant to help and teach but as a criticism: “Why aren’t you like me...?”
Show that you care, not that you are disappointed. Look for opportunities to teach and teach with love, not resentment.
The principle I am presenting here applies to the working environment as well. An employee does something wrong and is told how to do it right without explaining why what he or she did was wrong. Without teaching what is right and understanding why it is right, there is a high probability the employee will repeat the mistake. A leader should be a teacher, one who develops those they lead.
Teach. Do not castigate. Instead of saying, “Change those shoes. You look terrible in them,” you can say, “The other shoes look better on you because…”
We like to learn. We hate being ordered.
In a happy marriage, each spouse is a teacher to the other, but only when it is done with love. In a successful company, every leader is a teacher but only when developing with respect for those they lead to be better than they are.
Just thinking and feeling,
ichak@adizes.com
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Ichak Adizes
Dr. Adizes is widely acknowledged as one of the world’s leading management experts. He has received 21 honorary doctorates and is the author of almost 30 books that have been translated into 36 languages. Dr. Adizes is recognized by Lead... Read More
