DR. HESTER O CONNOR, a clinical psychologist, shares some simple ways to help children know what is going on inside their hearts and minds.
The ability to recognize and manage feelings and emotions is very protective for the mental health and the well-being of children. Yet it is not automatic for children to grow up knowing about their feelings and emotions. We teach children many wonderful and valuable lessons at home and in school, but there is still a big gap in teaching children how to understand what is going on inside their hearts and minds.
With the external stimulation and distraction of social media, it is hardly surprising that many children are growing up with little sense of who they are on the inside. So when young people face difficulties at home, in school, or in relationships, they can find themselves at a loss to make sense of their feelings and emotions. Some feel totally overwhelmed and frightened of what is happening to them on the inside. Helping a child to develop the ability to understand their own mental states and feelings, and to make sense of the feelings of others, is a crucial skill that will build their resilience and enable them to manage better in the world.
Why is the ability to know one’s heart and mind important?
Research has found that each one of us will experience issues with our mental health from time to time throughout our lives. This means we all need the skills to know how to navigate our inner world so that when we face challenges, when we fall out with friends, fail an exam, or experience family hardship, we have the ability to interpret what is going on. If we can make sense of the turmoil, we will be able to put our difficulties into perspective and learn from our experiences.
A friend told me a story about a three-year-old, who said to his mum, “I’m not cross that you sent me to Liz’s house today, I’m angry.” This is clearly a boy who is secure enough in his relationship with his mother to express his feelings. She can tolerate his angry feelings so he does not have to protect her from them. This preserves their trust in each other.
It is ideal when children grow up in environments where they are encouraged to notice and express a whole range of emotions, including anger, sadness, joy, happiness, frustration, etc. The movie, Inside Out, from 2015,expresses this theme perfectly.
How to help children know their hearts and minds?
When young children hear their parents say what they think and feel, it helps them. The adult saying what is going on gives permission for the child to be in touch with what they are feeling. An example is when a parent is curious about their baby’s cry and says, “Let’s see, are you hungry or do you need your nappy changed?”
Ten-year-old Claire does not believe in eating vegetables. Her parents can see that agreeing to her protest will not be good for her health and will set the stage for protests over other issues. Her dad Tom playfully explains the reasons why eating vegetables is good for her, and agrees to sit with her while she eats them. During the ensuing tears, Tom softens his tone of voice so that Claire can let in what he says, even though she doesn’t like it. He explains that he knows she is upset, and that it cannot feel nice for her to try food she doesn’t like. He reminds her of when she didn’t like swimming, but quickly over came her fear.
Tom’s tone of voice is very important in how he explains to his daughter what is going on. He is empathetic, which helps to diffuse her frustration and resistance. The crucial part of helping a child to know their own feelings and emotions, is to build a loving relationship with the child. The kindness with which Tom speaks is central to helping Claire develop curiosity rather than fear about what is going on inside her.
The ability to recognize and manage feelings and emotions is very protective for the mental health and the well-being of children.
Illustrations by ARATI SHEDDE
Hester O Connor
