Happiness in an interconnected world

A common piece of advice is, “Don’t let your happiness depend on others.” KARISHAM KARA, a college student in South Africa, recognizes that as much as we strive to be independent we are inevitably interconnected and need one another to thrive and survive.

She offers 8 tips to be happy while balancing independence and interdependence.

I always thought I’d feel more settled in myself and less reliant on others as I grew up. In the last few years, however, I have realized how interconnected the world is. Nature has so intricately organized herself into a system where everything relies on everything else to grow. No plant grows in a vacuum without external aid. The earthworms are needed to break down matter and create nutrient-dense soil, and the bees are needed to pollinate flowers to create seeds. In the same way, we rely on businesses to employ us or on customers to sustain our businesses. Nothing escapes the webbed arrangement of nature.

So, when I hear the advice “Never let your happiness depend on others,” or “Happiness should come from within,” or “Don’t expect anything from anyone,” I feel baffled, because the actions of others do make us unhappy sometimes, and they do affect our quality of life. No matter how hard we try to be self-reliant, at the end of the day we live in a community, and we have to lean on others at times. It feels unjust to pin the reason for our unhappiness on ourselves when we are not the reason for it, and when we are trying our best to take everything positively and grow. Often we feel stuck because of something that someone else said or did to us.

So, I’ve been pondering how to create our own happiness in an interconnected world. I’m nowhere near understanding all the answers, but my dad likes to say that nobody has the whole puzzle, we just have the pieces.

Here are my 8 tips to being happy:

1. Judge the level of control you have over a situation

Let’s take a scenario: You and your co-workers like to celebrate together after a project ends. While you enjoy the celebrations, you are frustrated because you are doing all the work to plan these celebrations. Everyone is having fun, but no one recognizes your efforts after finishing a tiring project, which leaves you feeling drained and resentful.

First, analyze the problem. How many people does it affect, and how much influence and control do you have? In this case, you have control over being able to express your frustrations and asking for help. What stops you? Often it is fear.

2. Happiness comes from within when you eliminate fear

There are endless reasons you may not say what you are feeling, but the root cause is almost always fear.  

Step one is to honor and accept your feelings. Be aware of what you’re going through, and allow yourself to feel it without guilt. Realize that you have the right to be responsible for your actions, make mistakes, be yourself, be treated with respect, say no, and express your feelings. Also, remember that everyone else has these rights, too.

Step two is to equip yourself with the skills to communicate your thoughts and feelings effectively, so that problems can be solved creatively and collaboratively.

3. Understand that event + reaction = outcome

Any outcome is reliant upon your reaction or response. To reach the desired outcome, your reactions will ideally come from listening to the heart. When you learn how to do this, you will not react, and you will know how to stand up for yourself.

4. Communicating effectively: mindset shift

In this scenario, you may have kept your feelings to yourself. Then after resentment has built up, you may have exploded and said something like, “I spend so much time and effort planning these trips, and you all enjoy them without giving a second thought to whether you can do the same for me!”

The first step is to create a mindset shift. Rather than thinking no one cares about you, and assigning blame and guilt, try to communicate your needs to your friends. Then you will be solving the problem with your friends. Note the distinction: you’re not fighting against your friends, but with them against the problem. This important distinction helps you connect with your friends, so they will be less defensive and more collaborative.

We’ve all been there. When we do say things we’ve been itching to say, as resentment builds up, it doesn’t offer any relief. Instead, we feel more guilty – it leaves a bad feeling in the air. If you’ve made it to this point, you’ve likely spent so much time in resentment that you’ve lost sight of why it all started. All your attention has gone into convincing yourself why the other is a horrible person. So, this next step may require a bit of back-tracking.

5. Communicating effectively: clearly identifying the need

It’s important to clarify your initial needs. In this scenario, perhaps what you really felt was that everyone was having fun, and you didn’t have the freedom to relax with the responsibility of preparing and hosting, which also felt lonely at times.

Once this need has been identified, it can be clearly communicated to your friends. Note how no blame is assigned, as this is all about conveying your feelings. It gives an opportunity for your friends to step up and collaborate on a solution.

6. Communicating effectively: vehicle versus value

Often, we are focused on how we’d like the problem to be solved, and we lose sight of identifying the problem. It might feel counter-intuitive, but if you keep sight of your values, and the needs to be met, you will be happier and more effective in solving the problem. You will be focused on the value, not the vehicle.

In this scenario, rather than insisting that everyone acknowledges and praises you for the planning, and is considerate enough to help with the following events (this is a vehicle), stay focused on your need to be part of the fun rather than overwhelmed by the responsibility (this is a value).

When speaking to your friends, you could say, “When I am consistently left to plan our celebratory outings, I start to feel like I am responsible for everyone’s enjoyment. What I’d like is to have an equal chance to relax and unwind, and to feel like even the planning of these events is a fun, bonding experience.

7. Find the solution

Once you understand your feelings and needs, and can successfully convey them, it will be easier to find a solution that works well for everyone, especially the people most in need.

A straightforward solution would be that everyone takes a turn to plan a celebration, but there are many other creative ways to stop you feeling overwhelmed with responsibility. Sometimes the smallest things can change the dynamic of the group.

8. Expectation versus invitation

This is where the distinction between expectation and invitation comes. Expecting your friends to take the initiative to help without clearly communicating your needs, and then getting progressively resentful and angry, means that no one gets their needs met.

In contrast, the method I have outlined is active and allows all of you to understand yourselves, communicate, then collaboratively work on solutions. It requires you all to try to find solutions that work best for everyone.

Sometimes the smallest things can change
the dynamic of the group.

While others influence our lives, we always have some level of control. We can stand up for ourselves and make ourselves happy, while trying our best to do so in a way that doesn’t aggravate others. While there is no point expecting others to change, we can actively and clearly voice our needs as an invitation for collaborative problem solving. In doing so, we give space for everyone to show up as they are, which will only strengthen our state of interconnectedness.

Illustrations by JASMEE MUDGAL