Ruby is a Heartfulness trainer, tutor, mentor, and sometimes writer. She has an M.Ed. in Education and Psychology from the University of Cambridge, and has worked in community and mental health. She is passionate about volunteering, service, meditation, languages, and finding beauty in the world around her.

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Ruby-Carmen.jpg

Ruby Carmen

<h4>RUBY CARMEN explores the often repressed emotion of grief, and shares some ways we can accept it, value the meaning behind it, and integrate it into our being as an expression of love.</h4>“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot.&nbsp; All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat,&nbsp; and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”—Jamie AndersonGrief, it seems, is often unsaid, unexpressed, and avoided at all costs, until we are overwhelmed and it looms large and can no longer be denied.&nbsp; Since the pandemic, grief has been an undercurrent, and at times the feeling is palpable. It seems that there is little space for it to be expressed, never mind honored.&nbsp;Grief is understood as a natural human response to loss, and in particular to loved ones. It covers so many situations, not only death or separation; it can be the loss of a dream or a friendship; it can be a divorce, a miscarriage, unemployment, or even retirement.1 Needless to say, the pain of the loss can be overpowering, bringing us to our knees, both literally and metaphorically.&nbsp;From a personal viewpoint, I am able to name a number of life situations that have triggered grief in me that can be felt in the heart and in a way demand to be processed rather than pushed aside until a more convenient moment.&nbsp;Grief can take the form of a cycle, that is to say denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. Not necessarily in a set order, one after the next; it can move in circles, leap frogging over one element, even a mix of one or more of these elements. These stages were conceptualized by the Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying (1991). She is considered a pioneer in the West for end-of-life care and near-death studies.&nbsp;What has become apparent to me personally, and also while witnessing friends and dear ones come to terms with loss, is the impact of religion, spirituality, culture, and societal norms on the form in which grief is permissible. What comes to me is that we could do better. Are our coping mechanisms enough?&nbsp;Oftentimes, grief is hidden, buried deep in our hearts. It can be like an old wound that remains inside, nameless, formless, and then something in the present touches on it and we are reminded that it is still there, sitting silently, waiting.<hr><h4 style="text-align:center;">Oftentimes, grief is hidden, buried deep in our hearts. It can be like an old wound that remains inside, nameless, formless,&nbsp; and then something in the present touches on it&nbsp; and we are reminded that it is still there, sitting silently, waiting.</h4><hr><figure class="image image-style-align-center"><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/talking_with_grief2_8f75e8b095.jpg"></figure>One approach that came into my field of consciousness was to “talk” to the grief and, in doing so, recognize that it exists rather than pretending it is not there, that it has been dealt with, processed in whatever way we might explain it away to ourselves. In order to “survive,” our emotions, especially big, heavy ones, get stored away under the category of “I will come back to this later,” or “I can’t deal with this right now, I have a job to do,” and other such rationalizations. In the busy modern world, it seems there is no time or appropriate space to deal with grief or loss.&nbsp;Talking to grief goes like this:&nbsp;Me: Oh, it’s you?&nbsp; I thought you had gone.&nbsp; Grief: No, I am still here, I never left you.&nbsp; Me: It hurts and I keep thinking that you might go away, and leave me in peace.&nbsp; Grief: Well, it doesn’t seem to work that way, you know. I am part of you, not separate. In fact, you are holding onto me, not the other way round.&nbsp; Me: (Laughing) You don’t say. So tell me, grief, what do I do? How can I get through this grief that reappears especially when I least expect it.&nbsp; Grief: Get through?&nbsp; Me: Yes.&nbsp; Grief: You know about acceptance?&nbsp; Me: Yes. Sometimes this acceptance business is hard to actually do. It can happen at a mental or intellectual level, and then all of a sudden, it is so overwhelming and difficult. It needs to be at the level of the heart.&nbsp; Grief: Your heart, yes, and also self-compassion. To grieve is a natural thing. It tells you that you are human and capable of loving, of love.&nbsp; Me: So, accepting that I feel grief and that it hurts bad, not to mention giving myself some compassion, can help, right?&nbsp; Grief: That’s right. It can help release the pain of the loss, and it can dissolve in your tears and in the sharing of your grieving pains.&nbsp;This is the conversation thus far. Grief need not be an enemy or “avoided like the plague,” as the English expression goes. Instead, at an individual and collective level, we can embrace it and ask how we can allow ourselves to feel grief and grow from it rather than be overwhelmed by it. And we can consider reaching out to empathic elders, dear ones, therapists, counsellors, and support groups wherever there is a safe space to give voice to grief.<hr><h4 style="text-align:center;">Grief need not be an enemy or “avoided like the plague,” as the English expression goes. Instead, at an individual and collective level, we can embrace it and ask how we can allow ourselves to feel grief and grow from it rather than be overwhelmed by it.</h4><hr><a href="https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm">1 https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm</a>&nbsp;

Talking with my grief

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 <h2 class="has-text-align-center">
 How communication changes lives
 </h2>

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 “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded.
 It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own
 darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others.
 Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”
 

 —Pema Chödrön

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 Compassion – just one word – seems so relevant in this moment, in particular
 in the grieving, loss-filled times we are living in.
 

 
 It is not always easy to define or capture the true meaning of the word, but
 we can certainly feel it, and sometimes its absence. One more literal
 definition of compassion is “to suffer together,” and although not an exact
 translation, in Hindi and Urdu we have the word hamdardi – our
 (shared) pain.
 

 
 Researchers in the field of positive psychology and emotions describe
 compassion as the feeling that comes when faced with the suffering of
 another, accompanied by the need to relieve that suffering.
 

 
 So, how can we relieve the suffering of others, especially when everything
 seems too much? People often talk of compassion fatigue, but we also know
 that we can clearly be compassionate and empathic, mirror neurons being
 considered the cornerstone of human empathy (V.S. Ramachandran et al, 2007).
 How then? We can listen with our hearts, and listen with our whole being,
 our whole undivided attention and presence.
 

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 <h5 class="has-text-align-center">
 Empathic listening can allow the speaker to release and
 let go of
 so much, easing their emotional burdens and feel “met,”
 cherished, human. In doing so, we remember our beautiful and
 sometimes bruised humanity in all its colors of joy and sorrow. Our
 oneness.
 </h5>

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 <hr class="vertical-space1" />

 
 And what is this “presence”? When we are there completely for that other
 person, friend, family member, lover, sister, brother, or even a stranger.
 No judgment; instead, non-judgment. No covering over the awkward silences
 with our words; instead, embracing the silence and holding that space for
 others, honoring that and allowing whatever needs to be said, even unsaid.
 Offering our pure, unconditional attention, where we hear and feel the
 feelings behind the words, if possible with love, without any underlying
 intention.
 

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 <figure>
 <img width="700" alt="" class="lazyload has-img-center"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/our_shared_humanity2_fd1e5a0dab.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-11T12:47:44.602Z" />
 </figure>
 </div>

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 In that moment of compassion and empathic listening, the listener can even
 forget themselves completely. It is an experience akin to the dissolution of
 the ego, of “no self.” Empathic listening can allow the speaker to release
 and let go of so much, easing their emotional burdens and feel “met,”
 cherished, human. In doing so, we remember our beautiful and sometimes
 bruised humanity in all its colors of joy and sorrow. Our oneness.
 

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Our shared humanity

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<h4>
 All around the world, we are in lockdown in a bid to slow down the spread
 of the COVID-19 virus. And we are coming to terms with this collective
 experience. Here, RUBY CARMEN shares
 some insights, inspirations and suggestions for coping well in this
 extraordinary time.
</h4>
<h3 style="text-align: center">
 Tips for coping
</h3>
<h4>DEVELOP STRUCTURE AND ROUTINE</h4>

 In lockdown, many of us have been given the gift of time. In a recent
 article published in the
 <a
 style="color: #b56d6d"
 href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/21/opinion/scott-kelly-coronavirus-isolation.htmlhttps://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/21/opinion/scott-kelly-coronavirus-isolation.html"
 target="_blank"
 rel="noopener noreferrer"
 >New York Times</a
 >, astronaut Scott Kelly offers some excellent advice on putting structure
 and routine into your day, including fixing a time to get up and go to bed.
 Having structure is helpful for well-being and can offer a sense of purpose
 for both adults and children. There is an element of security and safety in
 routine. Where possible, create some boundaries of work space and home
 space, and allow yourself and your children time off.
 

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 <img
 class="w-100 lazyload"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/one_Human_family2_d5818d772f.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-10T04:15:52.707Z"
 alt="one_Human_family2_d5818d772f"
 />
 

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<h4>JOY AND PLAY</h4>

 Allow time for joy and play. This feature of the human condition has
 manifested in the exponential growth of online kindness groups springing up
 like flowers, and the outpouring of multiform and multimedia creative
 outlets and ways of expression – online singing and music making, art
 classes, ukulele playing classes, and meditation sessions across the globe.
 New possibilities continue to arise, as human beings endeavor to express
 themselves and connect with each other.
 

<h4>
 COMMUNICATE AND CONNECT 
</h4>

 Share stories. This is an opportunity to connect deeply with our loved
 ones. If we are not with them, video calls are indeed a gift. In the absence
 of technology, children can write letters, and send drawings to their
 grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts. Limit talking about the lockdown
 and the virus. In particular, avoid talking about it in worried, anxious
 ways in the presence of young children, who in turn will model anxious adult
 behavior.
 

<h4>
 ACCEPT AND ACKNOWLEDGE 
</h4>

 Work towards accepting how you truly feel. On the days you feel sad, angry
 or frustrated, sit with those feelings for a little while. Give yourself a
 hug. And when you are ready, let go. Diary writing or journaling is another
 option, in particular on the difficult days where you feel you have had
 enough. Both our physical and mental well-being need to be prioritized,
 especially under our current circumstances.
 

<h4>BE INSPIRED</h4>

 Look for inspiration in each day. Take time to observe the exceptional
 courage, bravery and self-sacrifice of others: Nurses, doctors, paramedics,
 those who deliver food, serve in stores, pharmacists, and those who continue
 to keep communal spaces clean. The heart fills up with gratitude that cannot
 be truly expressed in words. The Italian children who drew pictures of
 rainbows with the caption “Everything will be alright,” the opera singers on
 balconies who are so touching and truly inspirational. Imagine all these
 acts of human kindness that we have witnessed, and those that are hidden. We
 are sharing a collective experience of hope for our human family, realizing
 the innate goodness of the human heart.
 

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<h4>
 <img
 class="w-100 lazyload"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/one_Human_family3_f502e9b140.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-10T04:17:31.644Z"
 alt="one_Human_family3_f502e9b140"
 />
</h4>
<h4><hr class="vertical-space1" /></h4>
<h4>COMMUNITY</h4>

 Plug into your local and global communities. There are neighborhood
 WhatsApp groups, online coffee meetings, parent support groups etc. The list
 is endless. Forums exist to help and support the needy in our communities.
 Depending on our skills we can offer practical support to others. One
 example, provided by the Heartfulness community, of which I am a part, gives
 me a unique sense of unity and oneness. Daily and weekly, we are sitting in
 our homes meditating together virtually.It is wondrous to witness the human
 ability to adapt and find creative solutions, thriving under difficult and
 restricted circumstances. To instill a sense of meaning, we can look to
 create more structure in our daily lives, allowing time for joyful, playful
 activities. We may also recognize the importance of communication and our
 ability to connect in whatever forms are available to us. Perhaps, above all
 else, we can exercise greater acceptance of how we feel from day to day, and
 allow ourselves time to process it. This could be through diary writing, the
 experience of silence, or the practice of meditation. Find inspiration in
 each day and reach out to local and global communities. We are one human
 family living in extraordinary times.
 

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OTHER RESOURCES: 

 <a
 href="https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/coronavirus/helping-parents-and-kids-stay-cool-and-collected-during-the-covid-19-outbreak/"
 target="_blank"
 rel="noopener noreferrer"
 >https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/coronavirus/helping-parents-and-kids-stay-cool-and-collected-during-the-covid-19-outbreak/</a
 > 
 Guided visualisations and relaxation for children at
 <a
 href="https://www.heartfulness.uk/primaryschools/"
 target="_blank"
 rel="noopener noreferrer"
 >https://www.heartfulness.uk/primaryschools/</a
 > 
 <a
 href="http://www.heartfulness.org"
 target="_blank"
 rel="noopener noreferrer"
 >www.heartfulness.org</a
 >
 and
 <a
 href="http://www.heartfulness.org"
 target="_blank"
 rel="noopener noreferrer"
 >www.heartfulnessinstitute.org</a
 > 
 <a
 href="https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/coronavirus-and-your-wellbeing/"
 target="_blank"
 rel="noopener noreferrer"
 >https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/coronavirus-and-your-wellbeing/</a
 > 
 <a
 href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/21/opinion/scott-kelly-coronavirus-isolation.html"
 target="_blank"
 rel="noopener noreferrer"
 >https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/21/opinion/scott-kelly-coronavirus-isolation.html</a
 >

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&nbsp;

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<h4 style="text-align: center">
 Article by RUBY CARMEN 
 Illustrations by ANANYA PATEL 
 
</h4>

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