DR HESTER O CONNOR shares some tips on how to support children after a death in the family.
When someone in the family dies, it can be daunting for parents to manage their own grief. How can we help our children face what may well be their first experience of death?
Routine Is Important
We all need routine and structure. It helps well-being and recovery for all the family. Your children will do better if they keep up with normal routines such as going to school before or after the funeral. More sleep is always helpful and again sticking to the normal routine can help everyone to feel safe at this sad time. The bedtime routine might be a good time to let your child tell you about their day. It’s best if you can listen and not be frightened by what you hear or try to stifle feelings.
Attending Funerals
Death is a natural part of life, and the ritual of a funeral helps. Your child gets to experience an important social ritual. Prepare the child for the funeral by explaining what happens so that there are no surprises. If you sense attending a funeral is going to distress your child it’s okay if they don’t attend. It is very beneficial to have a sense of a spiritual dimension to life. If you have beliefs, share them with your child; if it helps you, it will help them too. There are no rules. It is best to trust your sense of what your child can manage. The most helpful attitude is one of lovingly sensing what is needed and trusting this.
Talking About Death
Is your child ready to talk about death? Children aged seven to eight years begin to understand permanency. At this stage they feel a bigger impact of loss as they know it is forever. Before this, a child may be upset because a parent is upset, but they might be fine otherwise, as they do not grasp the permanency of death.
Use simple language and avoid euphemisms like “Grandma has gone to sleep.” It is good for children to uunderstand that the period after a death can be a sad time. It is normal to be sad and it will get better. Sadness need not be avoided.
Loss and sadness are part and parcel of life,
and if a child is helped to face loss
they will be better prepared for other losses in life.
It is helpful for a child to know that
everyone feels sad or unhappy from time to time.
If you can talk about death in a natural way, a child is more likely to ask questions when they are ready to understand more. Be sensitive to the age of the child and what you feel they can manage. You are not obliged to give all the details. This applies especially to deaths where there are unpleasant details such as a road traffic accident or suicide. You do not want to burden a child with unnecessary details, as the images are likely to stay in their minds. You can give more details when the child asks in the months to come.
Don’t pretend, as making up stories will lead to mistrust. It is best if children hear the truth explained simply by you. Avoiding the topic is not helpful, especially as a child is likely to hear stories elsewhere, such as in school.
Children Take Their Cues From You
Are you okay speaking about death? If you are frightened or uncomfortable, your child will pick this up and become fearful too. Transmit the understanding that death is part of life. Encourage children to remember good things about the person, and look at photos or make a scrap book.
Children often communicate with behavior, not words. If a child’s behavior changes following a death, perhaps they are communicating their sense of grief and loss. Find a loving way to empathize and see how the child is feeling will make a difference. Loss and sadness are part and parcel of life, and if a child is helped to face loss they will be better prepared for other losses in life. It is helpful for a child to know that everyone feels sad or unhappy from time to time.
Creating An Atmosphere Of Trust
It is much easier to talk about sadness and difficulties if there is already an atmosphere of openness and trust in the family. One of the best ways to foster such an atmosphere is by spending quality time with children. Quality time with a child will reap more rewards than anything you can give them that costs money.
Article by DR HESTER O CONNOR
Hester O Connor
