HARPREET KALRA discusses the issue of victimization in the workplace, and his experience of what to do about it. How much responsibility are we willing to take to change these patterns?
It had been two months since I joined MCS Enterprises in their Strategy & Planning department. I prepared the first draft of a financial model and submitted it to my boss Linda for her review. After a few hours, Linda called me to her room. “Did I ask you to make these assumptions?” she screamed. “No,” I said softly. “You are not at a level where you can make assumptions on your own,” scoffed Linda, walking out of the room.
Conversations like these were a regular affair for me: in corporate jargon, business as usual.
Micromanaging me, not giving me the creative liberty to think, unclear directions on how to go about a work task, harsh criticism, pretty much summed up my relationship with my boss at MCS.
“When do I leave this job?” “Should I resign straightaway?” “Do I have the money to pay my mortgage?” were some of the thoughts that flooded my mind as I drudged back towards my desk.
There are demanding bosses, there are difficult bosses, there are collaborative bosses, there are easy bosses, and then there are psychopaths. Research suggests that one in every five corporate bosses is a psychopath. I knew I was dealing with one at MCS.
I believed most of my previous bosses were good, though they had a few traits that were unacceptable to me. After dealing with Linda, I indeed realized the goodness of my previous bosses. I would have gladly accepted all their unacceptable traits if I had had a chance.
I was in pain, and slowly my underlying thought pattern started to shift towards self pity: “Why me?” “I am being targeted,” “I am being victimized.” In a short span of time, I was habitually wearing the victim hat. SO I BELIEVED!
It had been a few months since I had started practicing meditation. One day, after my morning meditation, as I sat in a quiet contemplative mood, an inner voice within me echoed: “Every victim identity is a perpetrator of crime given the change in circumstances.” I could not fully comprehend my inner voice. I wrote it in my daily diary and signed off.
In some situations, I am the victim.
In some situations, I am the one victimizing others.
This is the reason I am suffering.
The very same tendencies in Linda that hurt me are the ones
present within me, although with different intensity.
I had a business visit to Paris lined up to meet our new research agency team, so as soon as I reached the office, I went to meet Priya, who was our office manager. Priya took care of the administrative work of MCS and the logistics of the MCS staff.
“Have my tickets to Paris not been booked yet?” I asked sternly, my tone admonishing Priya for not having done her work.
“I am trying to get the best fares. Give me some time. I should be able to get your bookings done by tomorrow,” said a somber Priya.
“Really?” I said sarcastically, with a dismissive look as I barged towards my desk.
In the evening, as I drove home, the office conversation with Priya that morning played out in my mind – the somber tone of Priya and the disappointed look on her face. Just the way my tone and look was when I was with Linda. Soon, the essence of my inner voice from the morning seeped within.
In some situations, I am the victim. In some situations, I am the one victimizing others. This is the reason I am suffering. The very same tendencies in Linda that hurt me are the ones present within me, although with different intensity. In fact, the trait of Linda that pinched me the most was the trait most strongly present within me.
That morning, I could not comprehend my inner voice. Perhaps I did not want to comprehend it. After all, I had an ego, and how could my ego without resistance cherish the idea of believing that it was laced with the very same behavioral traits and tendencies it loathed in others?
When we feel for others, when we sympathize with others, we would like to believe it is out of genuine compassion. Is it indeed compassion? Or is it the ego veiled under a garb?
What happens when things improve at the victim’s end? The body language and behavior of the victim changes. The person becomes confident, assertive and happy. And this changes our perception of the other person.
Earlier, we had labeled the person a victim. Now we label the same person as someone with a lot of attitude, who is high and mighty. Worse, we become absolutely intolerant of even his slightest off-the-track demeanor.
The moment the ego realizes that the other person is no longer going through pain, the ego no longer identifies with the other person. Why?
Because now it is no longer on the same plane as the other person. Which plane? The plane of pain. As unfortunate as it is, the above behavior is seen in our most intimate relationships. Hence, relationships rooted in sympathy suffer a painful ordeal.
As I became aware of this harsh reality, it was a matter of time before it’s acceptance seeped into my system. That acceptance though has worked very well for my overall well-being. It has substantially reduced my behavior of swinging like a pendulum, swinging between the emotional extremes of affection – harshness, sympathy – criticism, sadness – joy, etc.
A sense of balance and calmness has seeped in, although it is not yet the permanent state of being I would like to have.
The awareness and acceptance which subsequently led to balance and calmness has not come without effort. Much of the effort has been directed towards being aware of my thoughts, my emotions, my behavior - when I am alone with myself, and when I am with others.
In this pursuit of change and happiness, my strongest ally has been meditation. How has meditation helped? By untying the knots I have been tying for so long. What knots? The knots of ‘I am’ and ‘I am not’ reflected against the backdrop of ‘he/she is’ and ‘he /she is not’.
I am smart, I am not a CEO yet, my child is not obedient, my spouse does not listen to me, my boss is not supportive, Mumbai is bad, I deserve a better job.
The list can, perhaps, fathom the entire Universe.
Why could I not untie these knots on my own without meditation?
First, I did not want to untie them. These knots defined me, rather, I defined myself through these knots. Untying them meant I had to let go of a part of me, a part of who I believed I was.
Second, and more important, to untie the knots,I should have known in the first place that these were knots. How to untie them was secondary. To me, these knots were so internal to my system that I believed it was normal to live with them.
With meditation, as the hyperactivity of the mind quietened, a clearer view of my relationships emerged, with people, with work, with health, with success. The knots started becoming apparent, paving the way for understanding how I behave, more importantly, why I behave the way I do.
The knot of victim identification discussed here is one of many knots.
Harpreet Kalra
