Chris is a clinical psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School. He is a co-developer of the Mindful Self-Compassion program, author of a number of books and a founding faculty member of the Institute for Meditation and Psychotherapy and the Center for Mindfulness and Compassion, Cambridge Health Alliance, Harvard Medical School.


chrisgerman.jpg

Chris Germer

Self-compassion

The power of self-compassion - part 2

<h4 style="text-align: justify">
 DR CHRIS GERMER is a clinical
 psychologist, meditation practitioner, author and teacher of mindfulness
 and compassion in psychotherapy and everyday life. He is the
 co-developer of the Mindful Self-Compassion training program. Here
 AMIR IMANI interviews him during a
 webinar for mindfulness practitioners.
 </h4>
 
 An informal definition of self-compassion is: Treating ourselves with
 the same kindness and understanding as we would treat a dear friend in
 the midst of suffering.
 
 
 Q: I am very happy and delighted to have you with us Chris, to speak
 about Mindful Self-Compassion.
 
 
 CG: Thank you. It’s an honor to be
 speaking right now with everyone.
 
 
 Q: You’re a psychotherapist. You teach and lecture at Harvard
 University, and you are the co-developer of Mindful Self-Compassion
 with Kristin Neff. I hear that you and Kristin have also released a
 new workbook on self-compassion.
 
 
 
 I have been reading your book on self-compassion and it gives me the
 feeling of how important it is in our lives. Somehow personally, when
 I’m reading your book, I feel that mindfulness that is not softened by
 self-compassion is dry and clinical without heart. So to me this is
 such an important topic to cover, and I’m happy you’re here to talk to
 us about it.
 
 
 CG: Thank you, Amir. Well, I
 appreciate Saki Santorelli’s expression that love, kindness and
 compassion should be echoing through our awareness, through mindfulness.
 And as you were talking about this, it was clear to me that it is
 echoing through your awareness. I appreciate your sensibility about
 this.
 
 
 What I have found in my own personal life is that sometimes when we’re
 confronted with really difficult situations, really difficult emotions,
 we need to actively practice compassion and self-compassion, or else we
 cannot be mindful. As a clinical psychologist, all the time we’re
 dealing with really difficult emotions – with shame, despair, dread,
 fear – intense emotions. And when they come up, in order to be able to
 live within our own bodies and selves, and with others, we need a lot of
 compassion.
 
 
 Rumi once said: Close your eyes. Fall in love. Stay there.
 
 
 It’s such a beautiful thing to say! Sometimes when we close our eyes and
 we see something good, we fall in love; in other words we have
 appreciation for the miracle of life. But when difficult emotions come,
 like when we feel shame or despair or fear, then we actually cannot stay
 in love, because we feel disgust. We want to get away. In other words,
 we can’t fall in love and stay there. So what does it take to actually
 stay there in our own experience? That’s self-compassion practice.
 
 
 <img
 class="has-img-center lazyload w-100 h-auto"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/self_compassion2_7e2edb3e33.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-05T11:29:24.292Z"
 alt="self-compassion2"
 />
 
 
 It’s a great struggle sometimes to remain compassionate toward oneself
 and toward others at such times, because we do feel intense emotions,
 but I do think that selfcompassion can help. In order to grow in
 compassion for others we actually first need to grow in compassion for
 ourselves. That means:
 
 
 We first need to know what we’re experiencing in a spacious
 way. That’s mindfulness.
 
 
 We also need to be able to see that we’re not alone. That’s what we call
 common humanity: a sense of ‘we’re together’ and ‘just like me’.
 
 
 And then the third part is self-kindness. In other words, we actually
 need to learn to be as kind to ourselves as we are to others.
 
 
 So these are the three components of self-compassion that have been
 identified by Kristin Neff who began the scientific study of
 self-compassion in 2003.
 
 <hr />
 <h5 style="text-align: center">
 An informal definition of self-compassion is: 
 Treating ourselves with the same kindness 
 and understanding as we would treat 
 a dear friend in the midst of suffering.
 </h5>
 <hr />
 
 Self-compassion is not new; it’s been with us as long as humanity has
 been here. But it is now more clearly understood as an inner resource,
 like mindfulness, that allows us to be healthy mentally and physically
 and to thrive. And the three components of self-compassion that Kristin
 identified are: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
 
 
 In this series you’ve been learning a lot about mindfulness, which is
 generous, spacious, moment-to-moment awareness; to be with things as
 they are, in a steady way. That’s the first part of self-compassion –
 knowing when we’re struggling. What’s really important, though, is the
 element of self-kindness when it’s hard to be mindful. So an informal
 definition of self-compassion is: Treating ourselves with the same
 kindness and understanding as we would treat a dear friend in the midst
 of suffering.
 
 
 I would like you to think for a moment, as a mental reflection, about
 those times when something goes wrong in the life of a dear friend or
 someone you love. They suffer, or they fail, or they feel inadequate,
 and you have just a few moments with this person. What do you feel
 inside when you discover they are struggling? What is your attitude? And
 what kinds of words are you likely to say to your friend at that time?
 Take a moment to think about it. I think you can get a feeling for that.
 
 
 The next question is: Think of a situation when you are failing, when
 you suffer, when you feel inadequate, or when something really doesn’t
 go right. How do you treat yourself? What kinds of feelings emerge
 towards yourself? What kinds of words do you say to yourself? What is
 your posture? How do you sit when you have failed or you’re suffering?
 Take a moment to think about it.
 
 
 You probably notice a difference. The vast majority of people are so
 much kinder to other people when they’re suffering than to themselves.
 Usually we beat up on ourselves, we feel alone, we feel ashamed and we
 distract ourselves. We can’t take it when it’s us.
 
 <hr />
 <h5 style="text-align: center">
 What I have found in my own personal life 
 is that sometimes when we’re confronted 
 with really difficult situations, really difficult emotions, 
 we need to actively practice compassion and self-compassion
 </h5>
 <hr />
 
 So self-compassion simply means being able to have that same attitude
 toward ourselves as we do toward others when they’re struggling. Now,
 this is not so easy to do. And the reason why it’s not so easy to do is
 because we are so closed to ourselves. In other words, we don’t have
 space. When we’re with a friend, we have a little space, but when we’re
 with ourselves there is no space, so we just react in a fearful way.
 
 
 Self-compassion really is a very humble undertaking. All we’re doing is
 including ourselves in our circle of compassion. In the same way we
 treat a family member or a friend or a pet – any living creature that
 we’re kind to – we treat ourselves the same way. This is all we’re
 doing.
 
 
 Still, we will always be more compassionate toward others. There are
 obstacles to self-compassion: some people think that it will make them
 selfish, that it will make them lose motivation, become absorbed in
 self-pity, or make them weak or self-indulgent. These are common myths
 about self-compassion, because the research shows that it’s actually the
 opposite.
 
 
 There are now 1,600 articles in the scientific literature on
 self-compassion. Over and over, it has been demonstrated to be a very
 powerful factor for mental health, for physical health, for reduced
 anxiety, for reduced depression, for healthier habits, better
 relationships and even wisdom. People who are high in self-compassion
 are also high in wisdom.
 
 
 <img
 alt="self-compassion4"
 class="has-img-center lazyload"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/self_compassion4_91893d215d.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-05T11:30:01.065Z"
 />
 
 
 More specifically, people who are high in self-compassion have emotional
 resilience. When things go wrong they bounce back more easily. When they
 make mistakes, they’re also more likely to admit their mistakes and work
 hard to fix them. In their relationships, they are actually more
 compassionate to others. They are not more selfish; instead they’re more
 compassionate to others.
 
 
 Most interestingly, people who are high in self-compassion are more
 motivated to achieve their goals. In other words, their standards are as
 high as people who are low in selfcompassion, but they have more
 motivation to reach their goals because they’re motivating themselves
 with kindness. They’re not beating themselves up with a stick. So
 selfcompassion is a very, very good thing even though we often worry
 that it isn’t. And if you practice selfcompassion, you’ll actually see
 how it will improve your life.
 
 <hr />
 <h5 style="text-align: center">
 People who are high in self-compassion are also high in wisdom. 
 More specifically, people who are high in self-compassion have emotional resilience.
 </h5>
 <hr />
 
 So then the question is: How do I practice self-compassion? Many people
 think, “Oh, I need to meditate,” and actually meditation helps.
 Meditation is one method – like when you want to strengthen your body,
 you go to the gym and lift heavy weights. You focus on developing the
 skill, like the skill of Mindfulness or the skill of self-compassion.
 
 
 You can also practice self-compassion in daily life. The way to do it is
 to ask yourself a question that you’re likely to ask somebody whom you
 truly love. That question is: What do you need? When somebody else is
 suffering, the words will come: “What do you really need?” When we’re
 suffering we usually don’t ask ourselves that question, but if we do,
 and answer it from the heart, we will be practicing self-compassion.
 
 
 But people usually think, “I don’t know what I need!” Then we can break
 it down a little. For example:
 
 
 If you’re feeling afraid, ask yourself, “What do I need to feel safe?”
 
 
 If you’re physically under stress, you can ask, “What do I need to
 soothe myself?” Maybe I need to take a warm bath, or maybe I need to
 exercise.
 
 
 If you’re emotionally stressed, you can ask, “What do I need to comfort
 myself emotionally?” Maybe you need to walk in nature. Practice kindful
 resting. Being in nature.
 
 
 Or maybe you need to listen to music to comfort yourself emotionally or
 to soothe yourself physically.
 
 
 Another way to ask the question, “What do I need?” is to ask, “What do I
 need to do to validate myself?” In other words, maybe you need to
 acknowledge that “This is really hard.” Maybe nobody has ever said that
 to you. Maybe you’ve never said that to yourself. So, what do I need to
 comfort myself, soothe myself, validate myself?
 
 
 But that’s only half the picture! That is the area of nurturing and
 nourishing. Sometimes you will need to support yourself to move into the
 world. Here you can ask, “What do I need to protect myself?” Maybe you
 need to say, “No!” That’s often a very compassionate thing to do.
 
 
 Or to provide for yourself, maybe you need to eat well or care for your
 body or sleep more. You can ask, “What do I need to provide for myself?”
 
 
 And sometimes we need to ask, “What do I need to motivate myself?”
 Sometimes the best thing we need to do is to get out and do something
 that we’ve avoided. How do we do that? With self-compassion we do that
 with encouragement. With self-compassion we invite, we talk to ourselves
 in a way like, “You can do this. You definitely can do this. You’ve done
 things like this before. This is not easy, but you can do it.”
 
 So, what do I need?
 
 Behavioral self-compassion is the foundation of selfcompassion.
 Actually, how are you accompanying yourself in your daily life? As a
 friend or an enemy? We want to be a friend – that is self-compassion.
 
 
 Now those of you who have a contemplative attitude and would like to
 meditate, there are many different meditations you can try for free,
 that you can download from my website,
 <a
 href="https://chrisgermer.com/"
 target="_blank"
 rel="noopener noreferrer"
 >www.chrisgermer.com</a
 >, and this new workbook also has a lot of things. But what I would like
 to do is introduce you to a brief practice called the Self-compassion
 Break. It takes five minutes. It is an exercise that you can do any time
 of the day or night. It consists of the three components of
 self-compassion: Mindfulness, common humanity and self kindness.
 
 
 In daily life you can also do just one of these components: the mindful
 part, the common humanity part, or the selfkindness part. What I will do
 now is give you an experience of using language to activate
 self-compassion within yourself.
 
 
 <img
 class="has-img-center lazyload w-100 h-auto"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/self_compassion3_7ce3886193.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-05T11:30:42.351Z"
 alt="self-compassion3"
 />
 
 <h4>SELF-COMPASSION BREAK</h4>
 
 <a
 href="https://chrisgermer.com/"
 target="_blank"
 rel="noopener noreferrer"
 >https://chrisgermer.com/</a
 >
 
 
 When you notice that you’re feeling stress or emotional discomfort, see
 if you can find the discomfort in your body. Where do you feel it the
 most? Make contact with the sensations as they arise in your body. 
 Now, say to yourself, slowly:
 
 
 “This is a moment of suffering.” That’s mindfulness. Other options
 include:
 
 
 • This hurts. 
 • Ouch! 
 • This is stressful.
 
 
 “Suffering is a part of life.” That’s common humanity. Other options
 include:
 
 
 • I’m not alone. Others are just like me. 
 • We all struggle in our lives. 
 • This is how it feels when a person struggles in this way.
 
 
 Now, put your hands over your heart, or wherever it feels soothing,
 feeling the warmth and gentle touch of your hands.
 
 
 Say to yourself: “May I be kind to myself.” Another way of saying this
 is, “May I give myself what I need.” See if you can find words for what
 you need in times like this. That’s selfkindness. Options may include:
 
 
 • May I accept myself as I am 
 • May I learn to accept myself as I am 
 • May I forgive myself 
 • May I be strong 
 • May I be patient 
 • May I live in love
 
 
 If you’re having difficulty finding the right words, imagine that a dear
 friend or loved one is having the same problem. What would you say to
 this person? If your friend would have just a few words in mind, what
 would you like those words to be? What message would you like to
 deliver, heart to heart? 
 Now see if you can offer the same message to yourself.
 
 To be continued
 
 Edited for publication. Listen to the full interview at
 https://m.facebook.com/pg/cfmin/videos/
 
 <hr />
 <h4 style="text-align: center">Interviewed by AMIR IMANI</h4>
 <hr />